Final Fantasy 6: My Version
by Cyberdude93
Summary: This is the storyline to Final Fantasy 6, only rewritten by me to be funnier
1. The Esper

Final Fantasy 6: My Version  
  
Chapter 1: The Esper  
  
All right, this is my first fanfic EVER. It's inspired by KEFKA's fics (Final Fantasy 7, 8 and 10: My version).  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.  
  
Note: For this chapter I call him Biggs and not Vicks because that's what he's called in my European Final Fantasy VI Playstation disk  
  
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Voice: Long ago, the War of the Magi reduced the world to a scorched wasteland, and magic simply ceased to exist. 1000 years have passed... Iron gunpowder, and steam engines have been rediscovered, and high technology reigns... But there are some who would enslave the world by reviving the dread destructive force known as "magic." Are these fucks gonna make the world a shithole AGAIN???  
  
*Biggs, Wedge and ????? walk up to the cliff*  
  
Biggs: There's the town...  
  
Wedge: Hard to believe an Esper's been found intact there, 1000 years after the War of the Magi...  
  
Biggs: The fuck are you talking about? Our mining tools have only just gotten this advanced; you think we could have dug it out with our bare hands?  
  
Wedge: Uh...no.  
  
Biggs: Good. Think it's still alive?  
  
Wedge: What a pissy question, it would have decomposed otherwise!  
  
Biggs: Fine let's put a wager on it - this girl!  
  
Wedge: Yeah, why's she here?  
  
Biggs: Don't you remember last night in the inn?  
  
Wedge: Oh yeah! That slave crown on her head robs her of all conscious thought. She'll follow our orders!  
  
*They leave and start walking through the snow*  
  
Biggs: Woah! Look at all the pretty words!  
  
Wedge: Fuck this *Presses A*  
  
*They appear at Narshe*  
  
Wedge: Let's put her on point. No sense taking any risks.  
  
Biggs: Scared fuck!  
  
*They walk forward*  
  
Guard: Imperial Magitek Armour? Not even Narshe's safe anymore!  
  
Biggs: Since when was armour a threat?  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Biggs: *Fire Beam - Guard1*  
  
Guard1: *124 damage - Dies*  
  
?????: *Fire Beam - Guard2*  
  
Guard2: *202 damage - dies*  
  
*They do their victory dance*  
  
Biggs: Whey! Shake those tits!  
  
?????: ...  
  
*End battle*  
  
Wedge: You know this Magitek armour doesn't actually give us extra defence, so it isn't really armour is it?  
  
Biggs: Just keep walking!  
  
*They advance*  
  
Guard: Narshe's freedom depends on us!  
  
Wedge: So you surrender?  
  
Guard: What? Hell no!  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Wedge: *Fire Beam - Lobo1*  
  
Lobo1: *350 damage - dies*  
  
Biggs: *Fire Beam - Lobo2*  
  
Lobo2: *356 damage - dies*  
  
*End battle*  
  
*Guards move forward*  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Guard2: *Critical - ?????*  
  
?????: *8 damage*  
  
Wedge: *Stares at her chest blankly*  
  
Biggs: *Fire Beam - Guard 1*  
  
Guard1: *180 damage - dies*  
  
?????: *Fire Beam - Guard2*  
  
Guard2: *218 damage - dies*  
  
*End battle*  
  
Biggs: Mabye if all four of them attacked at once they could have won!  
  
Wedge: *Snort* Retards!  
  
*They move forward*  
  
Guard: We've got 'em trapped now!  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Wedge: Wasn't there 2 dogs and 2 guards out of battle, now there's only 1 dog...  
  
Biggs: Oh dear, what a shame, so sad! *Fire beam - Guard1*  
  
Guard1: *198 damage - dies*  
  
?????: *Fire Beam - Lobo*  
  
Lobo: *328 damage - dies*  
  
Guard2: Let me guess, Fire Beam?  
  
Wedge: Uh...no *Ice Beam - Guard 2*  
  
Guard2: *152 damage - dies*  
  
*End battle*  
  
*They march forward to, guess what*  
  
Guard: We must defend the mines!  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
?????: *Confuser*  
  
*The Vomammoths start casting Blizzard on themselves and kick their own asses*  
  
*End battle*  
  
Wedge: According to out source, the frozen Esper was found in a new mine shaft...Mabye this one...  
  
Biggs: No shit Sherlock we went the only way possible!  
  
*They enter the mine*  
  
Wedge: Woo look at the pretty light! *Stands in it*  
  
Voice: An eerie glow surrounds you.  
  
Biggs: Think we noticed that!  
  
Voice: Want info about Save Points?  
  
?????: *Chooses no*  
  
Wedge: How come she gets to choose?  
  
Biggs: Because you put her on the point, remember?  
  
*They walk up to a gate*  
  
Biggs: I'll handle this. Stand back!  
  
*He goes a little bit faster and somehow manages to break the door down*  
  
Wedge: Amazing!  
  
Guard: We won't hand over the Esper!! *Goes back* Whelk! Get them!  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Biggs: Hold it! *Presses record*  
  
Wedge: What the fuck?  
  
Biggs: Boss said to record him the boss theme!  
  
Wedge: Why didn't he just fight himself *LOL*  
  
?????: *Ice Beam - Whelk*  
  
Whelk: *208 damage - 1392 remaining*  
  
Wedge: Aww...so much for one hit kills all the way...  
  
Whelk: *Attack: Wedge*  
  
Wedge: *10 damage*  
  
Biggs: *Fire Beam - Whelk*  
  
Whelk: *149 damage - 1243 remaining*  
  
Whelk: Gruu... *Pokes head out more and grabs ????? - takes her inside the shell*  
  
Biggs & Wedge: NOOO!!!! * Joint Fire Beam - Whelk's shell*  
  
Whelk's shell - *389 damage*  
  
Whelk: HAHAHA!! Fuckin' cheats *Megavolt - Biggs*  
  
Biggs: *102 damage - KOd*  
  
Whelk: Gruu... *Spits out Terra, recovers all HP*  
  
Wedge: Hey! I've got an idea! *Throws metal rod on Whelk's head* Now attack the shell!  
  
????? & Wedge: *Joint Bolt beam - Whelk's shell*  
  
Whelk's shell - *397 damage*  
  
Whelk: Dumbasses! *Megavolt*  
  
*The rod acts like a lightning conductor*  
  
Whelk: *1693 damage - dies*  
  
Whelk: Lost to 2 guys and their hooker...could life be any worse?  
  
*End battle*  
  
Biggs: Now for the Esper!  
  
*They continue*  
  
Biggs: Yay! It's dead and I win the bet!  
  
Wedge: No look!  
  
*It starts glowing and ????? walks up to it*  
  
Voice: The frozen creature began emitting an eerie light  
  
Wedge: WTF it's in past tense. Man you guys suck...  
  
*Biggs disappears*  
  
Wedge: Nooooo! Biggs, I need you! *Disappears*  
  
*A lightning bolt forms between ????? and the esper*  
  
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Well, that's it for this chapter please review it 


	2. Escaping the mines

Chapter 2: Escaping the mines  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.  
  
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*????? Gets out of bed*  
  
?????: Where am I? *Looks at old man* HELP! PAEDOPHILE!!!  
  
Old Man: Woah! And I only just removed the di....crown!  
  
?????: ...anal...hurts  
  
Old Man: *Blushes* Uh, I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything!  
  
Voice: A mysterious young hooker, controlled by the Empire, and born with the gift of SOME FUCKIN' BIG TITS!  
  
?????: *Names* My name......is...Terra...  
  
Old Man: Impressive! I've never heard of anyone recovering this fast! *under his breath* from me...  
  
*Some dogs start sniffing the trail up to the house Terra's in*  
  
Soldier: Open up! Give us back the hooker! WE HAVEN'T FUCKED IN 2 HOURS! Oh yeah and the Empire's Magitek Armour...  
  
*Inside*  
  
Terra: Empire...? Hooker...?  
  
Old Man: Look, I have to get you out of here! I don't have time to explain!  
  
Terra: SILENCE PAEDOPHILE *Fire - Old Man*  
  
Old Man: *KO'd*  
  
*Terra takes the back door out*  
  
Soldier: She's up there!  
  
Terra: *Fire - All*  
  
*Wastes soldiers*  
  
*She enters the mines*  
  
Terra: Better save the game! *Saves*  
  
Terra: *Opens all the chests and takes the Phoenix Down and the sleeping bag*  
  
Solder: Got her!  
  
*Terra backs up and the floor crumbles before her -she faints on the lower level*  
  
*Flashback*  
  
Kefka: My sweet big titty bitch! Uweee he, he! With this Slave Crown I'll practically own those!  
  
Kefka: *Puts the crown on her head* Uwee he he!  
  
*The scene changes to Terra in bed with Kefka*  
  
Kefka: OH YEAH, THAT'S IT FUCK ME BITCH!!! FUCK ME!!!!!!!  
  
*Scene changes to outside the factory*  
  
Gestahl: We stand on the brink of a major breakthrough! WITH ALL THESE SLAVE CROWNS WE CAN FUCK ANYONE WE WANT!!!! WE HAVE FUN TONIGHT BOYS!!!!  
  
Soldiers: WHEY!!! LONG LIVE EMPEROR GESTHAL!!!  
  
*End Flashback*  
  
*Back at the house someone breaks in through the back entrance*  
  
Man: Oh shit this is the old man's house. Well I'll just heal him and pretend that's why I came!  
  
Man: I'll be damned if I know where this Phoenix Down came from, maybe another main character found it *Uses it on the old man*  
  
Old Man: Took you long enough! How goes the robbing and plundering trade?  
  
Voice: Treasure hunter and trail-worm traveller, searching the world over for relics of the past. HE ALSO HAS A KICK-ASS THEME TUNE!  
  
Man: *Names himself Locke* I PREFER the term treasure hunting!  
  
Old Man: Ha! Bullshit!  
  
Locke: There's a HUGE difference *Waves his finger at no one*  
  
Locke; Anyway, were you the one who sent for me?  
  
Old Man: Umm...how could I, I was KO'd! Anyway, there's a girl I'd like you to meet.  
  
Locke: For the last time I don't want hookers, SQUARE didn't put it in my character...  
  
Old Man: No...  
  
Locke: ......!? This had better not have anything to do with that Magitek-riding imperial...bitch!!!  
  
Old Man: *Nods* Imperial troops are pursuing her even as we speak. This town is not mach for the Empire. Our independence can only be assured if we join forces with the Returners, an underground resistance movement.  
  
Locke: Why are you telling me this, I AM a returner!  
  
Old Man: *Ignoring Locke* That girl wasn't responsible for her actions. We must get her to understand our dilemma!  
  
Locke: All right...I think we'd better help her...  
  
Old Man: By "we" you mean "you" right?  
  
Locke: *Sigh* Yes...  
  
Old Man: Go to Figaro and talk to the king.  
  
*Locke jumps down to the mines*  
  
Locke: IS THAT A DILDO??? THAT PAEDOPHILIAC BASTARD!!!  
  
Guard: Now we gotcha!  
  
*Lots of Vomammoths back him up*  
  
Locke: Wonderful...There's a whole bunch of 'em  
  
?????: Kupo...  
  
*A couple of moogles walk to Terra*  
  
Locke: Moogles...! Are you saying you want to help me?  
  
Moogle: KUPOPO!!!!  
  
Locke: Oh, you want to help HER!  
  
Moogle: *Nods* Kupo!!!  
  
Moogle: Use us to save Terra from the guards! Need more information?  
  
Locke: *Chooses yes*  
  
Moogle: You'll fight using 3 different groups. Press the Y Button to switch between them.  
  
Locke: It would be better if all 12 of us fought at full force, but the 3 party system kicks ass!  
  
Moogle: Your job is to defeat the commander of the guards before his men reach Terra. Save her or else...  
  
Locke: Or else what?  
  
*Kushu and Mog's groups guard Terra while Locke's group evades most of the guards*  
  
*Enter Battle - Pre-emptive attack*  
  
Kumama: *Attack - Vomammoth*  
  
Vomammoth: *55 damage - 60 remaining*  
  
Kupop: *Attack - Vomammoth*  
  
Vomammoth: *88 damage - dies*  
  
Kupek: *Attack - Lobo*  
  
Lobo: *97 damage - dies*  
  
*End battle*  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Locke: *Steel - Vomammoth - Stole Tonic*  
  
Lobo: *Attack - Locke*  
  
Locke: *9 damage - 113 remaining*  
  
Vomammoth: *Blizzard*  
  
Locke: *38 damage - 75 remaining*  
  
Kupek: *43 damage - 93 remaining*  
  
Kupop: *39 damage - 69 remaining*  
  
Kumama: *39 damage - 63 remaining*  
  
Kupop: Bastard *Attack - Vomammoth*  
  
Vomammoth: *82 damage - 33 remaining*  
  
Kumama: *Attack - Vomammoth*  
  
Vomammoth: *55 damage - dies*  
  
Kupek: *Attack - Lobo*  
  
Lobo: *94 damage - dies*  
  
*End battle*  
  
Locke: Look at these retards!  
  
*He uses some piss easy evasion tactics to get to the guard*  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Marshal: *Net - Kupop*  
  
Kupop: *Stopped*  
  
Lobo2: *Tusk - Kupek*  
  
Kupek: *15 damage - 78 remaining*  
  
Lobo1 *Tusk - Kupek*  
  
Kupek: *15 damage - 63 remaining*  
  
Lobo1 *Tusk - Kupek*  
  
Kupek: *14 damage - 49 remaining*  
  
Kupek: BASTARDS!!!  
  
Marshal: *Attack - Kumama*  
  
Kumama: *55 damage - 8 remaining*  
  
Locke: *Attack - Lobo1*  
  
Lobo1: *44 damage - dies*  
  
Kupek: *Attack - Lobo2*  
  
Lobo2: *91 damage - dies*  
  
Kumama: *Tonic - 50 HP recovered - 58 remaining*  
  
Marshal: *Attack - Locke*  
  
Locke: *50 damage - 25 remaining*  
  
Locke: It's time to kick ass and chew gum! *Attack - Marshal*  
  
Marshal: *36 damage - 384 remaining*  
  
Kupek: *Attack: Marshal*  
  
Marshal: *76 damage - 308 remaining*  
  
Marshal: * Attack - Locke - Misses*  
  
Locke: *Attack - Marshal*  
  
Marshal: *36 damage - 272 remaining*  
  
Kumama: *Attack - Marshal*  
  
Marshal: *44 damage - 228 remaining*  
  
Kupop: *(Recovered from Stop) Attack - Marshal*  
  
Marshal: *67 damage - 161 remaining*  
  
Marshal: *Charge - Kupek*  
  
Kupek: *112 damage - KOd*  
  
Locke: Bastard *Attack - Marshal*  
  
Marshal: *36 damage - 125 remaining*  
  
Kumama: *Attack - Marshal*  
  
Marshal: *45 damage - 80 remaining*  
  
Marshal: *Charge - Kupop*  
  
Kupop: *111 damage - KO'd*  
  
Locke: Fuck! *Attack - Marshal*  
  
Marshal: *36 damage - 44 remaining*  
  
Marshal: *Charge - Kumama*  
  
Kumama: *112 damage -KOd*  
  
Locke: Last chance! *Attack - Marshal*  
  
Marshal: *47 damage - dies*  
  
*End battle*  
  
Locke: Sorry Moogles, looks like you'll get your prize another time! *Runs off with Terra*  
  
Locke: I think this switch'll... *Presses switch*  
  
*A passage opens up*  
  
Shadow: I must fulfil my promise to Maria  
  
*Flashback*  
  
Voice: Find them before they escape!  
  
Maria: *puff, pant*  
  
*Gunshot is heard*  
  
Shadow: Maria!!!  
  
Maria: Shadow I beg of you... please do it for me.  
  
Shadow: Maria!  
  
Maria: For all the people... on that planet...  
  
Maria: Sayonara...Shadow the Hedgehog.  
  
*End flashback*  
  
Shadow: Maria! I still remember what I promised you. For the people of this planet...I promise you...REVENGE!  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Shadow: *Fire summersault - Locke*  
  
Locke: *9278 damage - KOd*  
  
Terra: No...  
  
?????: CHAOS CONTROL!!!  
  
Shadow: Of all the places for that blue hedgehog to be...  
  
Sonic: *Phoenix Down - Locke*  
  
Shadow: Face me fake hedgehog!  
  
Sonic: *Sonic Wind - Shadow*  
  
Shadow: *8592 damage - 83844*  
  
Shadow: *Chaos Spear - Sonic*  
  
Sonic: *9612 damage - 83602 remaining*  
  
Sonic: *Timestop - Shadow*  
  
Shadow: *Stopped*  
  
Sonic: Run Locke! ESCAPE!!  
  
*Locke and Terra run away*  
  
Terra: That was weird...  
  
Locke: Look who's talking. Hey! We're near Figaro!  
  
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And that's chapter 2. Sorry if the battles were too long please review this. 


	3. Figaro

Chapter 3: Figaro  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.  
  
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*Locke and Terra walk up to the guard*  
  
Guard: Wait!  
  
Terra: I'll 'handle' him...  
  
Locke: It's all right, these guys know me.  
  
Guard: Umm, no one knows who you are.  
  
Other Guards: Yeah that's right.  
  
Locke: SILENCE FUCK *decapitates guard*  
  
*They enter the castle and march to the back to see the king*  
  
Locke: *Talks to king*  
  
King: You mean, THIS young woman...?! *Gets an excited look on his face*  
  
*The king goes up to Terra, looks down at her then goes back to Locke*  
  
Terra: The fuck? DID YOU JUST CHECK ME OUT?????  
  
King: Oh...sorry! *Turns around* How rude of me to turn my back to a lady! *Starts drooling*  
  
Voice: The young king of Figaro Castle, ally to the Empire, AND HE USES A CHAINSAW; KICK-ASS!!!  
  
King: *Names* I am Edgar, King of Figaro, master of the chainsaws!  
  
Locke: Surprised someone like me knows someone who uses a chainsaw.  
  
*For no apparent reason Edgar and Locke turn to each other and nod like crazy*  
  
Locke: Talk to you later! *Winks*  
  
Edgar: So you're an Imperial hooker! Great, the Empire are our homies! Please, relax while you're here. You can do that in MY suite!  
  
Terra: Look, why are you helping me? Is it because of my...abilities?  
  
Edgar: I'll give you 3 reasons: First of all your...ASSETS. Second...I'd like to see if you look good...ON ME!! And I guess third is your abilities *under his breath* in bed.  
  
Edgar: Anyway look around the castle, then get some rest. You must be tired...BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN RACING THROUGH MY MIND!!!  
  
Terra: ...  
  
*Terra explores the castle, opening chests right next to sellers who didn't give a shit. She then goes into the left tower*  
  
Matron: Edgar HAD a twin brother. He was such a *ahem* good, boy...  
  
*Flashback*  
  
Youth: YO HOMIE, WAZZUP WITH DADDY, HES LIKE NOT IN DA HOUSE YA KNOW!  
  
Edgar: Are you blind? Look how thin his face has become!  
  
Youth: ?????? WAZZUP WIT YOU???  
  
*Edgar walks away*  
  
Youth: Homie?  
  
*Edgar walks out the room*  
  
Yourh Tears......?! HAHAHA EDGERS OLDER THAN ME AND HES STILL AN ICKLE CRYBABY!!!  
  
Voice: What kind of dumbass trades the throne for freedom - THIS PRICK!  
  
Terra: Sweet, I get to name him!  
  
Matron: Seeing how you name him he'll probably be in your quest. Be wise!  
  
Terra: Fine I'll leave it as default *names him Sabin*  
  
Matron: Yes...His name is Sabin.  
  
Terra: Duh!  
  
Matron: Oh, he looked so like his father! When he ran away, he was a sweet little child. I wonder what he's like now?  
  
Terra: I dunno, maybe DEAD!!!  
  
*Terra goes to Edgar*  
  
Edgar: Well? How do you like my castle?  
  
King Edgar! Someone from the Empire to see you!  
  
Edgar: Probably Kefka after his whore...  
  
Terra: I'm right here you know!  
  
*The scene changes to Kefka walking through the desert with two soldiers*  
  
Kefka: Shit! Emperor Gestahl's frickin' orders!  
  
Kefka: *Jumps up and down* Edgar you asshole! Why do you have to live in the middle of nowhere?  
  
Soldier1: Maybe so he doesn't have many visitors?  
  
Kefka: *Fire 3*  
  
Soldier1: Ugh! *dies*  
  
Kefka: Ahem...there's sand in my pants!  
  
Soldier2: *Shudders, then takes it out of his pants* Yes, Sir! All set, Sir!  
  
Kefka: Uwee he he. Idiots!  
  
*Walks up a bit, and just so happens to be at the castle*  
  
Guard: Sir Kefka!? What on earth do...  
  
Kefka: Move it fucker  
  
Guard: I'm supposed to protect this place, but I'll just let you through!  
  
*Kefka enters*  
  
Edgar: Hey I'm in control! *Moves around in a square* The fuck, I can't move in a circle!  
  
*Goes over and talks to Locke*  
  
Locke: ...  
  
Edgar: Hello?  
  
Locke: ... *under his breath* stay calm...  
  
Edgar: The fuck? He doesn't notice me!  
  
Locke: Your supposed to talk to Kefka *under his breath* calm...  
  
Edgar: I don't want to talk to that clown...  
  
Locke: YOU HAVE TO DO IT TO ADVANCE IN THE STORY!!!!!!  
  
Edgar: Eeep! *Talks to Kefka*  
  
Edgar: What brings Kefka, lowly ass-fucker to our ever so sexy palace?  
  
Kefka: A girl that we don't give a shit about recently escaped from us. We couldn't give a shining shit about her. Where is she?  
  
Edgar: Hmm...this wouldn't have anything to do with this "bitch" everyone's been whispering about, would it?  
  
Kefka: Lies! She...merely stole something that we have failed to get rid of. Now where is she?  
  
Edgar: Oh! That's a hard one. *Massages his dick* You see, there're more girls that have been in my bed than grains of sand out there. I can't keep track of 'em all. That reminds me GUARD! Have you found grain number 72,984,736,813,854 yet?  
  
Guard: Yes sir but 17,190,547,137,189 has gone missing and 57,186,285,398,559 has died in a tragic man-standing-on-sand accident.  
  
Edgar: *Wipes tear* He was a brave man...  
  
Kefka: Strange fuck! Anyway I'd hate to be you if we find out you're lying... Mwa, ha!  
  
Edgar: Or would you...  
  
Kefka *Notices Edgar's pecker* Okay, mabye I would like to be you...  
  
Kefka: I truly hope nothing happens to your precious...  
  
Edgar: THIEVESS!!!! NO ONE STEALS MY PRECIOUSSS!!!!!  
  
*Kefka and soldier leave*  
  
Edgar: *Talks to Locke*  
  
Locke: I'd say that guy's missing a few sperm.  
  
Edgar: *LOL* Where's Terra?  
  
*Terra walks out from the back, and then Edgar and Locke walk away to talk privately*  
  
Edgar: Take her to her room...  
  
Locke: SIR YES SIR YES SIR!!!!!!!  
  
Edgar: I'd love to *ahem* talk...to you but the Chancellor and I must plan our strategy. Sometimes I hate being a king! *Under his breath* But I'll always be the king of sex!  
  
*Edgar walks to the back*  
  
Locke: *Presses L1 + Square* Follow me.  
  
Terra: *Presses L1 + Circle* Fuck you!  
  
Terra: *Following Locke* Hey usually when I have to follow someone it's automatic. Now I actually have to make decisions on which way to go. That just pisses me off.  
  
*They reach the room*  
  
Terra: Can't anyone just walk into this room when I'm sleeping? I could be assassinated you know!  
  
Locke: Don't you worry 'bout a thing! I'll...  
  
Terra: You're Locke right?  
  
Locke: Took you long enough!  
  
Terra: Edgar told me about you. Is it true you're a gay thief?  
  
Locke: THAT'S NOT TRUE!!! I'M A TREASURE HUNTER DAMMIT!!!!  
  
Terra: And your skill in battle is 'steal', is it not?  
  
Locke: ......On the surface, Edgar pretends to support the Empire. The truth is, he's collaborating with the Returners, an organization opposed to the Empire using slave crowns to get hookers. I am his contact with that group...  
  
Locke: The old man you toasted in Narshe used to be one of us.  
  
Terra: Empire...but I'm a hooker of the Empire...!  
  
Locke: That's not true! They were using you! Things are different now.  
  
Terra: I don't understand...What should I do?  
  
Edgar: *Throwing his voice and crapily making it sound like Locke's* Fuck Edgar!  
  
Terra: That's a great idea! *Goes off to Edgar's chambers*  
  
Locke: The fuck?  
  
*The next day*  
  
Edgar: Woah! I'm knackered...  
  
Terra: Not me!  
  
Edgar: SHIT! It's morning. We fucked all night.  
  
Terra: Keep going! Just a few more days for the world record!  
  
Edgar: No we have to get up.  
  
*They get up and walk outside*  
  
Edgar: Stay here...what the fuck?  
  
*They see soldiers running around, they then realise that Kefka is taking a piss on the castle*  
  
Kefka: I told you I'd make you pay Edgar!!!! Bring me the girls. Now!  
  
Edgar: I don't know what you're shitting about!  
  
Kefka: Then...welcome to my toilet!! Uwa ha ha ha!  
  
Edgar: Sad!  
  
*Edgar walks up to the guard and Terra*  
  
Edgar: Get ready...!  
  
Terra: YES SIR! *Starts undressing*  
  
Edgar: No not you!  
  
Soldier: Oh, okay! *Walks back*  
  
Edgar: Get behind me...  
  
Terra: Shouldn't I be the one saying that?  
  
Edgar: Just do it!  
  
Kefka: Changed your mind...?  
  
Edgar: I guess I have no choice... *whispers to Terra* Now!  
  
*They run to the edge of the castle and jump onto chocobos*  
  
Edgar: Or maybe I do!  
  
Kefka: Dumbass! Leaving your hooker behind!  
  
Terra (on the chocobo): I'm right here!  
  
Kefka: Shit...  
  
*The 3 chocobos run around the castle*  
  
Edgar: Jump!  
  
*Locke jumps and misses, but he grabs onto the chocobo's tail*  
  
Chocobo: WARK!!!!  
  
Locke: LOOK WHO'S THE THIEF NOW - STEALING MY THEME TUNE!!!!  
  
*Run to the front of the castle and stop - letting Locke get on*  
  
Edgar: OK! Dive now!!!  
  
Locke: Yahoooo!  
  
Kefka: Could this get any worse?  
  
Locke: *Steals Kefka's recording of the boss music*  
  
Kefka: NOW IT'S PERSONAL!!!  
  
*The castle starts rumbling*  
  
Edgar (shouting): SICK CHANCELLOR!  
  
Soldier: Dumbass, it's the Submerge mode being engaged!  
  
Edgar: OH SORRY!  
  
Chancellor: No one can touch the people of Figaro! Except whores of course! *Goes through stairs*  
  
*Castle submerges*  
  
Kefka: GO!!!! GET MY BOSS TAPE!!!!  
  
*The Magitek soldiers chase them*  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
M-tekArmor2: Hey shouldn't this be a back attack for them?  
  
M-TekArmor1: Dunno......I see why the boss likes this music! *Tek Laser - Terra*  
  
Terra: *66 damage - 11 remaining*  
  
*Edgar jumped up and down with amazement*  
  
Locke: Edgar, what's the matter? You look like you got the shit scared out of you.  
  
Edgar: Dddddddid you just see what I saw...?  
  
Locke: Yeah......this kid seems loaded for bear......  
  
Edgar: I don't know what the fuck that means, but she's amazing! Those are BOUNCY! B O U N C Y!  
  
Locke: *Jumps up and down* B B B B B B B B B BOUNCY?! Her tits are bouncy?  
  
*Edgar and Locke whisper to each other*  
  
Edgar: Terra......where on earth did you get those?  
  
Terra: .........Sorry......I......um......  
  
Locke: Look, I didn't mean to make such a big deal of this......  
  
Edgar: Me either *under his breath* my ass!  
  
Terra: I'm no language expert but don't you mean me neither?  
  
Edgar: ............it's just that I've never actually SEEN ones that bouncy before!  
  
Terra: Umm...we were in bed together!  
  
Edgar: I was drunk...where did you...?  
  
Terra: ......  
  
Locke: Edgar, Terra has bouncy ones and we don't. That's the only difference between us.  
  
Edgar & Terra: BULLSHIT!!!!  
  
*Terra returns to her battle position*  
  
Terra: Stop swooning!  
  
M-TekArmor2: We could have kicked your asses while you were doing that, but we got dazed my THEM *Metal Kick - Edgar*  
  
Edgar: *13 damage - 132 remaining*  
  
Terra: *Cure -All HP recovered - 77 remaining*  
  
Edgar: *AutoCrossbow*  
  
M-TekArmor1: *100 damage - 110 remaining*  
  
M-TekArmor2: *100 damage - 110 remaining*  
  
M-TekArmor2: *Tek Laser - Locke*  
  
Locke: *76 damage - 46 remaining*  
  
M-TekArmor1: *Metal Kick - Locke*  
  
Locke: *15 damage - 31 remaining*  
  
Locke: Why is it always me? *Attack - M-TekArmor1*  
  
M-TekArmor1: *19 damage - 91 remaining*  
  
Terra: *Attack - M-TekArmor2*  
  
M-TekArmor2: *15 damage - 95 remaining*  
  
Edgar: *AutoCrossbow*  
  
*The Magitek soldiers die*  
  
*Edgar and Lock do their victory dance while Terra does nothing*  
  
Locke: *Whispering to Edgar* Don't say anything...  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
Phew! Well that was a long chapter! Please review it! 


	4. Vargas

Chapter 4: Vargas  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
*They make a U-turn on their chocobos*  
  
Edgar: Bravo, Figaro!  
  
Locke: Why is my theme still playing?  
  
Kefka: Son of a submariner! Er...if that IS an insult...  
  
*They run past Kefka and away from him*  
  
Locke: This is great!  
  
Edgar: Was that sarcasm?  
  
Locke: Dunno....  
  
Terra: Was that a bad person? He looked sooo hot!  
  
Edgar: Terra, there's someone I'd like you to meet later...  
  
Terra: Oh yeah!  
  
Locke: NO HE DOESN'T MEAN THAT. We're members of the Returners.  
  
Edgar: Our mentor. Banon would certainly like to meet you.  
  
Terra: NOT ANOTHER FUCKING PAEDOPHILE!!!  
  
Edgar: Don't worry he won't touch you...  
  
*Edgar's fantasy*  
  
Terra: NO I WON'T FUCK YOU!!  
  
Banon: SO WHAT I WANT SOME OF THOSE TITS!!!  
  
*Edgar enters with a chainsaw*  
  
Edgar: SILENCE FUCK! *Slices Banon in half*  
  
Terra: Oh Edgar, you saved me.  
  
*They passionately make out, which turns into full haul sex afterwards*  
  
*Edgar's fantasy ends - he snaps back to reality with him masturbating on the desert floor*  
  
Edgar: Oooooooo!! Huh? Where did all this milk come from?  
  
Locke: Well it certainly CUMED from somewhere.  
  
Terra: *Rolling around in it* OOOOOOOOOOOOOO YEAH!!!! Huh? You've stopped...  
  
Edgar: ANYWAY!   
  
*They get back on their chocobos and continue*  
  
Edgar: "Magic" is going to be the key to winning this war.  
  
Terra: Not that sad card game!  
  
Locke: No your powers!  
  
Edgar: Terra has sexual powers. That Esper seemed to...react to her. Can there be some connection?  
  
Terra: I don't know and I don't care. I'm just a natural at this...  
  
Edgar: But no HUMAN is born with the tits you seem to have, and...  
  
Terra: Seem?  
  
Edgar: I apologize.  
  
Edgar: I'm sure the Empire is going to come for you...If they get their hands on those again, the world's finished...Terra, you want to understand your own tits, right?  
  
Terra: ...  
  
Edgar: ALL RIGHT, TIME'S UP, NO CHANGE IN ANSWER. We should go see Banon now.  
  
Terra: ......  
  
Locke: Please...  
  
Terra: Okay.  
  
Edgar: *Thinking to himself* What the fuck? She obeys Locke right away and takes her time with me? Hmm...  
  
Edgar: OK! To the south there's a cave that leads to South Figaro.  
  
*Edgar appears on the world map on his chocobo*  
  
Edgar: HEY!!!! 3D VIEW!!! *Walks in a circle*  
  
Locke: The fuck? Why are the mountains flat?  
  
Terra: We don't have a 3D engine...  
  
Edgar & Locke: Ooookay...  
  
*They go to the cave and leave their chocobos*  
  
Edgar: *Talks to the chocobo*  
  
Chocobo: ...  
  
Locke: Talk to the Soldier...  
  
Edgar: But...  
  
Locke: NOW!!!!!  
  
Soldier: King Edgar! Where are you headed?  
  
Edgar: The same place as every other man duh!  
  
Soldier: NO YOU SICK BASTARD!!!! Where are you going?  
  
Edgar: OH! Through the cave and eastward to South Figaro. Return to the castle, and tell the others SHE'S safe!  
  
Soldier: Yes, Sir! *To Terra* Here's my room number in the castle. Come anytime you like *winks*  
  
Terra: ......  
  
*They enter the cave*  
  
Edgar: *Walks a few paces* HELP!!! I CAN'T STOP!!!  
  
Voice: Recovery spring  
  
Edgar: Oookay...  
  
*They make their way through the cave, taking the treasure*  
  
Locke: Y'know it's understandable that people may drop things, but how come treasure chests just lie everywhere is a mystery to me...  
  
*They reach south Figaro*  
  
Edgar: Let's go to the inn.  
  
*They go to the inn, and Edgar decides to buy some relics*  
  
Mog: I'll explain how to use relics  
  
Edgar: No, now fuck off...  
  
Mog: Bastards...  
  
Edgar: Hey sprint shoes; we can run faster now!  
  
Locke: Why do we need a relic to sprint? All 3 of us are relatively fit.  
  
Edgar: Especially Terra *drools*  
  
Terra: *Blushes*  
  
*They rest at the inn*  
  
Edgar: Let's take the other exit *walks down the stairs*  
  
Edgar: Woah! What's with the music? *Tries to go towards ninja* MOVE IT OLD MAN!!! Do you just walk randomly?  
  
Old Man: Yes...  
  
Edgar: *Talks to ninja*  
  
Ninja: ....  
  
Locke: Yo? Talk to us!  
  
Edgar: Stand back! I've heard about this guy...  
  
Voice: He's a male hooker and will do anything for money. HE CUMS FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF FUCKING LIGHT!  
  
Edgar: *Names Shadow* That's Shadow...! He'd fuck his mama for a nickel!  
  
Locke: What's a nickel?  
  
Terra: Doesn't this mean we have 2 Shadows in the story now?  
  
Shadow: Oh no we don't *Transforms into Shadow the Hedgehog*  
  
Locke: SHIT!!!  
  
Shadow: GIVE ME THAT RELIC SO I CAN OUTRUN THAT BLUE HEDGEHOG! *Charges Light Speed Attack*  
  
Edgar: OKAY, OKAY!!! *Hands it over*  
  
Shadow: CHAOS CONTROL!!! *Teleports away*  
  
Edgar: Fuck! We can't run fast anymore. And we're out of GP to buy another. Let's go now.  
  
*They leave and find somebody's house*  
  
Edgar: Let's just enter without knocking or any of that polite shit!  
  
*They go in*  
  
Edgar: Hm... What's that smell...?  
  
Locke: *Blushes*  
  
*Edgar examines the house*  
  
Edgar: These condoms! They were his favourite!  
  
Edgar: And this...His favourite Viagra...  
  
Edgar: *Steps in bed* What the fuck? *Music plays and room darkens*  
  
Edgar: Well that was a good sleep, even though I didn't mean to have it!  
  
Edgar: *Leaves house* Sabin...he was...here?!  
  
*Talks to a Man who just appeared*  
  
Edgar: The fuck? You know this guy?  
  
Man: HELL YEAH! He was my homie until some Master Fuckster died. He left to get head in the mountains. I heard this fuck's son is missing as well. I have a bad feeling about this *Thinking to himself* NOOO!! THERE'S NO SEXY MEN LEFT!!! *Leaves*  
  
*They head off to Mt. Kolts*  
  
Edgar: So fucking slow without the sprint shoes...  
  
*After a while they reach the save point*  
  
Terra: Let's use the tent we picked up.  
  
Edgar: Hey, I'm the leader! Let's use the tent we picked up.  
  
Terra: Asshole...  
  
*They use the tent and save the game*  
  
Edgar: This is obviously an opportunity for us to get weakened before the boss.  
  
Locke: You're probably right...  
  
*For no reason the enemies ONLY attack Edgar*  
  
Edgar: Bastards...  
  
Terra: *Cure - Edgar*  
  
Edgar: Thanks!  
  
*They make it to the centre*  
  
Vargas: Sabin sent you, right?  
  
*Jumps on Edgar, and then Terra and Locke pop out of him*  
  
Locke: Such power...  
  
Edgar: Sabin? Is he here?  
  
Locke: You were shadowing us earlier right?  
  
Vargas: Wrong, you were following me so it's the other way round. And how unlucky it is for you that I waited for you...  
  
Edgar: Shit...  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Vargas 11600 HP  
  
Ipooh1 360 HP  
  
Ipooh2 360 HP  
  
VS  
  
Terra 114 HP  
  
Locke 144 HP  
  
Edgar 145 HP  
  
Terra: Let's see some chainsaw now!  
  
Edgar: I don't have one; I just use them well.  
  
Locke: Shit...Hey I can't attack Vargas! *Attack - Ipooh1*  
  
Ipooh1: *38 damage - 322 remaining*  
  
Vargas: *Attack - Terra*  
  
Terra: *40 damage - 74 remaining*  
  
Ipooh1: *Attack - Terra*  
  
Terra: *37 damage - 37 remaining*  
  
Ipooh2: *Attack - Locke*  
  
Locke: *38 damage - 106 remaining*  
  
Terra: *Cure-All - 54 HP recovered - 91 remaining*  
  
Locke: *51 HP recovered - 144 remaining*  
  
Edgar: *50 HP recovered - 145 remaining*  
  
Ipooh1: *Attack - Locke*  
  
Locke: *42 damage - 102 remaining*  
  
Vargas: *Gale Cut*  
  
Edgar: *53 damage - 92 remaining*  
  
Locke: *52 damage - 50 remaining*  
  
Terra: *51 damage - 40 remaining*  
  
Ipooh2: *Attack - Edgar*  
  
Edgar: *36 damage - 56 remaining*  
  
Edgar: Finally, my turn! *AutoCrossbow*  
  
Ipooh1: *107 damage - 215 remaining*  
  
Ipooh2: *103 damage - 257 remaining*  
  
Locke: *Attack - Ipooh1*  
  
Ipooh1: *37 damage - 178 remaining*  
  
Terra: *Cure-All - 50 HP recovered - 90 remaining*  
  
Locke: *540 HP recovered - 104 remaining*  
  
Edgar: *54 HP recovered - 110 remaining*  
  
Ipooh1: *Claw - Edgar*  
  
Edgar: *55 damage - 55 remaining*  
  
Ipooh2: *Claw - Edgar*  
  
Edgar: *51 damage - 4 remaining*  
  
Vargas: *Attack - Edgar*  
  
Edgar: *36 damage - KOd*  
  
Locke: *Phoenix Down - Edgar*  
  
Edgar: *Revived - 18 HP remaining*  
  
Terra: *Cure - Edgar*  
  
Edgar: *120 HP recovered - 120 remaining*  
  
Ipooh1: *Attack - Edgar*  
  
Edgar: *34 damage - 86 remaining*  
  
Ipooh2: *Attack - Locke*  
  
Locke: *40 damage - 64 remaining*  
  
Vargas: *Attack - Locke*  
  
Locke: *41 damage - 23 remaining*  
  
Edgar: *AutoCrossbow*  
  
Ipooh1: *105 damage - 110 remaining*  
  
Ipooh2: *100 damage - 157 remaining*  
  
Locke: *Attack - Ipooh2*  
  
Ipooh2: *42 damage - 115 remaining*  
  
Ipooh1: *Attack - Locke*  
  
Locke: *38 damage - KOd*  
  
Ipooh2: *Attack - Terra*  
  
Terra: *34 damage - 56 remaining*  
  
Vargas: Come on! What's the matter? *Attack - Terra*  
  
Terra: *72 damage - KOd*  
  
Edgar: *Phoenix Down - Terra*  
  
Terra: *Revived - 14 HP remaining*  
  
*Suddenly Sonic teleports in*  
  
Sonic: Edgar, Vargas is allied with Shadow!  
  
Edgar: SHIT!!!  
  
Sonic: I'm here to help! *Life2 - Locke*  
  
Locke: *Revived - 144 HP remaining*  
  
Sonic *Cure2 - All*  
  
Edgar: *145 HP remaining*  
  
Terra: *114 HP remaining*  
  
Sonic: *Sonic Wind*  
  
Ipooh1: *9623 damage - dies*  
  
Ipooh2: *9170 damage - dies*  
  
Sonic: He's all yours now. CHAOS CONTROL!!! *Teleports away*  
  
Locke: What a nice guy! *Attack - Vargas*  
  
Vargas - *45 damage - 11555 remaining*  
  
Edgar: *AutoCrossbow*  
  
Vargas: *119 damage - 11436 remaining  
  
Locke: *Steal - Vargas - Stole Tonic*  
  
Vargas: *Attack - Edgar*  
  
Locke: *32 damage - 113 remaining*  
  
Edgar: *AutoCrossbow*  
  
Vargas: *109 damage - 11327 remaining*  
  
Terra: *Fire - Vargas*  
  
Vargas: *88 damage - 11239 remaining*  
  
Locke: *Attack - Vargas*  
  
Vargas: *44 damage -11195 remaining*  
  
Vargas: *Gale Cut*  
  
Edgar: *51 damage - 62 remaining*  
  
Locke: *53 damage - 91 remaining*  
  
Terra: *52 damage - 62 remaining*  
  
Edgar: *AutoCrossbow*  
  
Vargas: *109 damage - 11086 remaining*  
  
Locke: *Tincture - Terra*  
  
Terra: *50 MP recovered - 40 MP remaining*  
  
Terra: *Cure-All - 52 HP recovered - 114 remaining*  
  
Locke: *52 HP recovered - 143 remaining*  
  
Edgar: *56 HP recovered - 118 remaining*  
  
Vargas: *Attack - Terra*  
  
Terra: *Critical - 72 damage - 42 remaining*  
  
Locke: *Attack - Vargas*  
  
Vargas: *43 damage - 11043 remaining*  
  
Edgar: *AutoCrossbow*  
  
Vargas: *115 damage - 10928 remaining*  
  
Terra: *Cure - 113 HP recovered - 114 remaining*  
  
Vargas: Come on. What's the matter? *Attacks Terra then Edgar*  
  
Terra: *38 damage - 76 remaining*  
  
Edgar: *34 damage - 84 remaining*  
  
Locke: *Attack - Vargas*  
  
Vargas: *45 damage - 10833 remaining*  
  
Edgar: *AutoCrossbow*  
  
Vargas: *119 damage - 10764 remaining*  
  
Vargas: ENOUGH!! Off with ya now!  
  
?????: Give it up, Vargas! *Hops in*  
  
Vargas: You may me in front of my very eyes but I'm still going to ask is that you, Sabin?!  
  
Sabin: Vargas, Why'd you do it? How could you rape your father?!  
  
Vargas: He made you his successor and not me dumbass! I'M HIS SON FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!  
  
Sabin: No! You were the one he chose!  
  
Vargas: Liar, Liar, pants on fire!  
  
Sabin: Our Master wanted you to be his successor, not me. He appreciated your fine spirit......  
  
Vargas: SILENCE!! ENOUGH BULLSHIT!!! DIE!! *Mortal Attack! Blizzard Fist!*  
  
*Blows Locke and Edgar away, while Terra and Sabin try to resist*  
  
Terra: Can't hold on much longer...  
  
Sabin: But I will never let go!  
  
Terra: *Clothes starting to rip off* Oh shit, might as well... *Blows away*  
  
Vargas: Ahh, Sabin! The master taught you well!  
  
Sabin: There's no avoiding my attack!  
  
Vargas: Fate made us train together, and fate will send you to your doom!  
  
Sabin: I may be smaller than you, but that's just the battle view.  
  
Vargas: *Doom Fist - Sabin*  
  
Sabin: *35 damage - 143 remaining - Death countdown starts*  
  
Vargas: Man, I'm knackered from such a weak attack...  
  
Sabin: Fuck! I can't remember how to blitz. *Attack - Vargas*  
  
Vargas: *89 damage - 10675*  
  
Vargas: Come on Sabin! There's no going back!  
  
Sabin: I just can't remember...Screw this *Selects blitz and presses random buttons*  
  
Sabin: *Bum Rush*  
  
Vargas: *7095 damage*  
  
Vargas: Well even though you didn't exhaust all my health, I'm going to die anyway. *Dies*  
  
*End battle*  
  
Edgar: SABIN!!!!  
  
Sabin: There's no need to shout, I can hear you. *Turns around* Big brother?  
  
Voice: Day 4 in the big brother house. Vargas has been evicted and Sabin has entered the house late.  
  
Sabin: SHUT UP!! Big brother???????  
  
*Because Edgar is a vegetable with out the sprint shoes and Sabin is so thick Locke has to go up to Sabin and nod to him*  
  
Locke: The brothers are reunited!  
  
Terra: Younger..."brother"? So there's 2 of you! *Drools*  
  
Sabin: Ooookay...Anyway, brother, what are you doing here?  
  
Edgar: We're on the way to the Sabil mountains. But more importantly why do you talk normal now?  
  
Sabin: You ever see someone like me who talks like a retard.  
  
Terra: I thought no strong man is smart.  
  
Sabin: Well fuck that. I'm joining you now!  
  
Locke: Good! I need a rest.  
  
Terra: And I just need a bed *winks at Sabin*  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
That was REALLY long. Now I've got one more week of school and then a week abroad so updates will pick up again in about 2 weeks. Monday 14th July is my guess for the next update but there MAY be one before Friday. Please review it as usual. 


	5. The Returners

Chapter 5: The Returners  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
*The party leave Mt. Kolts and arrive at the Returners' Hideout*  
  
Returner: You chainsawness. This way, please!  
  
*They follow him to outside another room*  
  
Edgar: Why did I stop here? Oh well...*enters the room*  
  
Edgar: Yay! A save point! *Saves the game*  
  
Locke: Let's talk to Banon...  
  
Edgar: Who's Banon?  
  
Locke: *sigh* That guy over there. *points*  
  
Edgar: *Talks to Banon*  
  
*Terra, Locke and Sabin walk out of Edgar*  
  
Edgar: I hate it when you do that...  
  
Edgar: Banon! We brought the girl with us.  
  
Banon: Is she the girl who can use her sexual powers to talk to Espers?  
  
Terra: Espers...?  
  
Edgar: Seemed the Empire had complete control over those. *points at her tits*  
  
Banon: *drools* Carrier pigeons brought word that she got 50 of the Empire's best men cumming in 10 seconds.  
  
Terra: That's a lie!  
  
Edgar: Woah! Even I couldn't last that long...  
  
Locke: Terra!  
  
Edgar: Banon! She doesn't remember anything!  
  
Banon: Stay where you are! *drools like crazy*  
  
Banon: Have you heard this? Some people were innocent, there was a box with lots o' evil stuff in it and some retard opened it. He unleashed all the evils of the world: dildos... condoms...  
  
Edgar: *sigh*  
  
Banon: All that was left in the box was some hooker. They all screwed her. Now these evils are against us...and you are the hooker, our only means of sex...  
  
Edgar: Banon!  
  
Banon: I'm so tired... Let me wank for a while. *Leaves*  
  
*The scene changes to Terra getting out of bed and Locke facing the wall*  
  
Terra: Why are you standing up? You could have shared my bed. *winks*  
  
Locke: THE EMPIRE MUST PAY FOR ALL OF MY WOMEN THEY GAVE A LIFETIME IMPRISONMENT OF SEX!!!!  
  
Terra: Shit does that mean they're after me too?  
  
Locke: They're already after you, remember?  
  
Terra: Oh yeah!  
  
Locke: Oh by the way listen to Banon.  
  
Terra: I'll just take this *received Phoenix Down*  
  
*Terra leaves the room, then Locke turns around*  
  
Locke: WHAT!? WHERE HAS MY PHOENIX DOWN GONE???  
  
*Outside the room*  
  
Terra: *talks to Returner*  
  
Returner: We're a small organization now, but now we give free bear we have loads of people signing up!  
  
Terra: Just let me past...  
  
Returner: It's a "Talk Trigger Event". You have to talk to certain people.  
  
Terra: Okay...*walks away slowly*  
  
Terra: *talks to Sabin*  
  
Sabin: Hey you can trust my brother, he won't 'accidentally' slip off the condom if y'know what I mean. But don't tell him I said that! *laughs*  
  
Terra: Huh?  
  
Sabin: Don't ask me, I mean it's good if we can trust him...  
  
Terra: YOU!?  
  
Sabin: Uh *sweatdrop* nothing!  
  
*Terra leaves and walks into Edgar's room*  
  
Terra: So Edgar, are you ready?  
  
Edgar: Now is not the time to fuck...  
  
Terra: ANYTIME IS A GOOD TIME TO FUCK!!!  
  
Edgar: Look, we don't want to be like the Empire persuading you to be our hooker, but LISTEN TO BANON OR I WILL WITHHOLD SEX FOR A WEEK!!!  
  
Terra: NOOOOOO!!!! Okay...I'll talk to him...  
  
Terra: *waits 'till Edgar is looking the other way* Yoink! *received Potion*  
  
*Terra leaves and Edgar discovers the empty chest*  
  
Edgar: NOOOO!!! MY VIAGRA!!!  
  
*Terra walks up to the Returner*  
  
Terra: Move it or lose it! *shoves him out of the way*  
  
Returner: SHE TOUCHED ME!!!! SUCH AN HONOUR!!!  
  
Terra: Okay...*walks outside*  
  
Banon: Will you screw us?  
  
Terra: No *appears inside*  
  
Terra: What? *goes outside*  
  
Banon: HAHAHAHA!!!! Will you fuck us?  
  
Terra: NO!!! *appears inside and goes outside*  
  
Banon: Last time, will you fuck us?  
  
Terra: Last time, eh? No! *appears inside*  
  
Terra: Phew! That was tiring!  
  
*Banon enters*  
  
Banon: *Eggman voice* Argh! I don't believe this!  
  
*An injured Returner walks inside*  
  
Banon: Someone did a number on him...  
  
Returner: The Empire! They can't tell a man from a crapper!  
  
Injured Returner: THE EMPIRE CAPTURED FIGARO AND ARE HEADING THIS WAY!!!! Could I be anymore obvious?  
  
Banon: They've found us!  
  
Terra: No they haven't!  
  
Edgar: LOCKE!  
  
Locke: I know..."Someone" which is obviously me has to sneak into South Figaro and slow them down? Right?  
  
Edgar: Fuck, that wasn't obvious! Good guess!  
  
Locke: Terra, get your condoms ready for me, and please, don't let the king 1 square next to you with blonde hair and his brother next to him (who shall remain secret) near your...PRECIOUS!!! *leaves*  
  
Edgar: Who is he talking about?  
  
Sabin: *sigh*  
  
Banon: Shit we're screwed...anyone have a plan?  
  
Edgar: We'll escape down the Lete River, and make our way to Narshe. I want to see that Esper for myself...  
  
Sabin: Fast thinking!  
  
Banon: There's a raft by the entrance. Come with me.  
  
Returner: Oh, take this *received Genji Glove*  
  
Edgar: *WOOT* A RELIC!!!  
  
*They appear at the back entrance*  
  
Terra: *opens the menu* Doesn't Banon look a bit like Hagrid?  
  
Banon: Um...that's just a coincidence *hides his umbrella*  
  
Terra: Hey, how come nobody named you?  
  
Banon: Because I'm not a main character.  
  
*They walk to the raft and notice it's coated in some white substance*  
  
Banon: Ah! So many memories on this raft!  
  
Everyone but Banon: ...  
  
*They try to hop on*  
  
Voice: Hop aboard the raft?  
  
Terra: *selects yes*  
  
Voice: Yo! If Banon dies then you die!  
  
Terra: Uh, right!  
  
*Terra navigated the boat, and doesn't stop to fight the enemies*  
  
Enemies: YOU PUSSIES!!!  
  
Everyone: HAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
*They stop at an octopus*  
  
Octopus: Hey, what's your fee?  
  
Terra: I'm not a hooker dammit!  
  
Octopus: Oh...  
  
*Enter Battle*  
  
Ultros 3000 HP  
  
VS  
  
Terra 114 HP  
  
Edgar 145 HP  
  
Sabin 178 HP  
  
Banon 83 HP  
  
Ultros: Uwee hee hee...  
  
Terra: There had better be better laughs in this game later on...  
  
Ultros: Game over! Your score is - 0 - please enter your initials! *Attack - Sabin*  
  
Sabin: *46 damage - 132 remaining*  
  
Banon: *Health*  
  
Sabin: *129 HP recovered - 178 remaining*  
  
Sabin: *Pummel - Ultros*  
  
Ultros: *171 damage - 2829 remaining*  
  
Edgar: *AutoCrossbow*  
  
Ultros: *151 damage - 2678 remaining*  
  
Terra: *Fire - Ultros*  
  
Ultros: *196 damage - 2482 remaining*  
  
Ultros: Yaaooouch! Seafood soup! *Ink - Terra*  
  
Terra: *47 damage - 67 remaining, dark*  
  
Ultros: Delicious morsel! Let me get my bib! *Tentacle - Terra*  
  
Terra: *242 damage - KOd*  
  
Banon: *Moves to the back row*  
  
Sabin: *Phoenix down - Terra*  
  
Terra: *Revived - 14 remaining*  
  
Edgar: *Potion - Terra*  
  
Terra: *250 HP recovered - 114 remaining*  
  
Sonic: Hey, that's...  
  
Shadow: That blue hedgehog again, of all places...  
  
Sonic: I've found you, faker!  
  
Shadow: Faker? I think you're the fake hedgehog around here. You're comparing yourself to me...Ha! You're not even good enough to be my fake.  
  
Sonic: I'll make you eat those words!  
  
*They jump on Ultros*  
  
Shadow: There's no time to play games...you won't even get the chance!  
  
Sonic: *Bounce Attack*  
  
Shadow: *1\3 damage - 2\3 remaining*  
  
Ultros: *324 damage - 2158 remaining*  
  
Ultros: Hey? Why me?  
  
Shadow: Oh, I see...so you're not just a hedgehog... *Chaos Spear*  
  
Sonic: *1\3 damage - 2\3 remaining*  
  
Ultros: *467 damage - 1691 remaining*  
  
Sonic: *Time Stop*  
  
Sonic: *Repeatedly does bounce attacks during the 10 seconds*  
  
Shadow: *2\3 damage - 0 remaining*  
  
Ultros: *1537 damage - 154 remaining*  
  
Ultros: BASTARDS!!!  
  
Shadow: Urgh...not bad for an impostor *KOd*  
  
Sonic: *Does finishing pose* Do you know who I am?  
  
Terra: *Fire - Ultros*  
  
Ultros: SHIT!!! *193 damage - dies*  
  
*End battle*  
  
*Action Stage - Escape from the river in 8 minutes!*  
  
Eggman's voice: Shadow! What are you doing? Hurry up and get back here right now before the river blows up with you in it!  
  
Sonic: Blows up?  
  
Shadow: *Jumps back and runs away*  
  
Sonic: I've got to get out of here, and find Amy and Tails, right away! *Runs off*  
  
Edgar: FUCK!!! FULL SPEED AHEAD!!!  
  
Terra: Woah!  
  
Sabin: *falls out* Weeeeeee!!!  
  
Terra: Sabin!  
  
Edgar: Take care of yourself, and remember - ALWAYS USE PROTECTION!  
  
Sabin: I WILL!!! *drifts away*  
  
*Terra, Edgar and Banon escape before the river blows up*  
  
Terra: I hope Sabin's okay and *ahem* still in shape!  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
Sorry about the slow updates. They should really pick up as I have another 7 weeks on holiday! Anyway sorry the chapter was shorter, it was so the "scenarios" could take place separately. Please review this. 


	6. Sabin's Scenario Part 1

Chapter 6: Sabin's Scenario Part 1  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Watch me not care!  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
Mog: Kupo! Edgar and Terra are taking their male hooker to Narshe! Sabin is taking a bath. And Locke is trying to kick ass. That's the gist of it!  
  
Mog: Choose a scenario...kupo!  
  
Mog: Hey! I'm in control! *walks around in a square* Haven't you dicks invented the circle yet...Kupopo?!?  
  
*Mog opens the menu*  
  
Mog: Hehe, I'll take off these powerful weapons and equip them to my other characters! *chooses equip, then Mog but it doesn't work* What the fuck?  
  
Mog; Might as well play now. *chooses Sabin*  
  
Voice: Sabin learns not to take a bath in the rapids...course fucking not; this is Sabin!  
  
Sabin: I'm in control! *walks next to a house*  
  
Sabin: WTF? That tree is bigger than that house...and I'm bigger than both of them! What a twisted world... *enters house*  
  
Sabin: *walks in front of a merchant on a chocobo and talks to him*  
  
Merchant: Howdy. I own the dry goods business out here!  
  
Sabin: No you don't, you're just part of it.  
  
Merchant: It's an expression dick. Now buy something!  
  
*Sabin buys a plumed hat, sprint shoes and a tent*  
  
Merchant: You didn't buy a lot dick.  
  
Sabin: Well my friends had a lot of stuff, so so do I!  
  
Merchant: Whatever, cya!  
  
*The chocobo runs right through Sabin*  
  
Sabin: What the fuck?  
  
Shadow: I'm in position doctor. Tell me when.  
  
Walkie-talkie (Rouge): Why do we always have to blow things up anyway?  
  
Walkie-talkie (Eggman): Just set the timer for 2 minutes dammit!  
  
Walkie-talkie (Rouge): 5 minutes should be plent...WHAT!?!?!?  
  
Shadow: Doctor, you can't be serious!  
  
Sabin: I gotta get out of here! *equips the Sprint Shoes*  
  
Action Stage: Escape the Island in 2 minutes!  
  
*Sabin runs onto the world map trying to escape from the island*  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Beakor: *Attack - Sabin*  
  
Sabin: *26 damage - 233 remaining*  
  
Sabin: The island's about to blow up and you're wasting your time fighting me?  
  
Beakor: It is? SHIT!  
  
*End battle*  
  
*Sabin escapes the island just in time for it to blow up*  
  
Sabin: *uses potion on himself* That was close.  
  
Beakor: Yeah it was.  
  
Sabin: WTF? You're still here? *slays him*  
  
Beakor: Bastard *dies*  
  
*Sabin walks to the bridge*  
  
Sabin: *walks forward one step, then walks backwards* WTF? I didn't want to move!  
  
Soldier B: Hey sexy thing *spanks Soldier A's ass*  
  
Soldier A: Stop it!  
  
Soldier B: Oh no! You're not turning into a HETRO are you???  
  
Soldier A: No, but if Kefka hears...  
  
Soldier B: Oh now I see.  
  
Soldier A: Then he'll punish us by making us...  
  
Soldier B: Oh dear god not...  
  
Soldiers: GIRLS!!!!  
  
Soldier B: Shit he's coming. Back to the 'straight' zone...  
  
Kefka: You homos flirting again?  
  
Soldier A: No, Sir. You're Kefka, right?  
  
Kefka: WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!!  
  
Soldier A: *Runs away screaming*  
  
Kefka: Bent shit. *walks off*  
  
Soldier B: Someone's got to fuck that guy up the ass!  
  
Commander: Yo homos! We're attackin' now!  
  
Soldiers: Yikes! *Follow him*  
  
*At Doma Castle*  
  
Commander: Surrender or my band of homos will fuck you!  
  
Doma Sentry: Never!  
  
Commander: Okay, COMMENCE FUCKING!!!  
  
*The soldiers start humping the castle walls*  
  
*In the castle*  
  
Doma Sentry: Our walls aren't dick proof. Looks like it's all over...  
  
?????: Hell no!  
  
*Music starts*  
  
?????: Allow meistht the honourith of defeatingith theth bad guythith....ith...  
  
Doma Sentry: Talk normal dick!  
  
?????: Ok.  
  
Voice: Dis guy has the strength of 100 men...AND HE USES SWORDS!!! KICK ASS!!!  
  
?????: *names Cyan* All we have to do it kick the commander's ass.  
  
Doma Sentry: But sir, what about all the EXP for killing piss easy homos?  
  
Cyan: Okay we'll do that!  
  
*They go outside and Cyan fights the soldiers*  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Cyan: *Dispatch - Soldier2*  
  
Soldier2: *274 damage*  
  
Cyan: Wha?  
  
Soldier2: Hehe, it's like FF7's 'Final Attack' *Counter - Cyan*  
  
Cyan: *Miss*  
  
Soldier2: Oh well, it was a good life *dies*  
  
Soldier1: *Attack - Cyan*  
  
Cyan: *27 damage- 257 remaining*  
  
Cyan: Bastard! *Attack - Soldier1*  
  
Soldier1: *143 damage - Counter - Cyan*  
  
Cyan: *44 damage - 213 remaining*  
  
Soldier1: *dies*  
  
Voice: Got 96 GP  
  
*End battle*  
  
Cyan: What? No EXP and a few measly GP? I'll just fight the commander!  
  
Cyan: *talks to the commander*  
  
Commander: Who are you?  
  
Cyan: YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!!!  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Cyan: Leader?  
  
Leader: Don't ask me.  
  
Cyan: *Retort*  
  
Leader: I know you just did retort, so I'll attack! *Attack - Cyan*  
  
Cyan: *39 damage - 174 remaining*  
  
Cyan: Big mistake *Retort - Leader*  
  
Leader: *665 damage - dies*  
  
Voice: Got Black Belt x1. Got 50 GP  
  
Cyan; What? No EXP still?  
  
*End battle*  
  
Trooper: The general's been defeated. WE CAN HAVE GAY SEX NOW!!!! *they run off*  
  
Cyan: Oh it's General now is it?  
  
Cyan: I am going to completely ignore the fact they can lob bombs at us from above or cut off our food supply, but in our castle we can wait out our enemy!  
  
*Back to Sabin*  
  
Sabin: God these guards are stupid. As long as I don't talk to them they can't see me! *walks into a tent* Hey! A chest!  
  
Sabin: Crap it won't open!  
  
Voice:  
  
(Kick it)  
  
(Hit it)  
  
(See if your dick fits the lock)  
  
Sabin: *chooses the last one*  
  
Sabin: Oh yeah! That feels good! *opens* It works! *received Star Pendant*  
  
*Walks across the bridge, then stops and hides automatically*  
  
Sabin: Least this time it's for my own good.  
  
Soldier: Ooh ooh, General Leo, Doma are playing a game, can we join in to? *makes gay hand gesture*  
  
Leo: Sure, knock yourself out!  
  
Soldier: Yay! *runs to other soldiers* Leo says we can play!  
  
Soldiers: *REALLY gay voices* YAY!!! *They run off into a queue and one by one get battered by Doma's guards*  
  
Guard: Doma's FINEST guards ahem!  
  
Soldier: It's nice getting handled by you guys...uh *faints from blood loss*  
  
Straight Soldier: General Leo! Here's a carrier pigeon from Emperor Gestahl.  
  
Leo: Thanks!  
  
Straight Soldier: Now how about a kiss?  
  
Leo: Sick! I thought you're straight.  
  
Straight Soldier: The truth is Leo...I'm actually. A WOMAN!!! I love you so much!!!!  
  
Leo: Shut up 'Mulan' *shock*  
  
Straight Soldier: *dies*  
  
Leo: *reads letter* Crap, I'm wanted at the factory for sex. I'll have to go! *walks into the tent*  
  
Sabin: So that's Leo. I wish he could be my friend. I need a friend *sniff*  
  
*Sabin walks forward only to find out he hides again*  
  
Sabin: This is getting annoying!  
  
Kefka: With Leo gone I can finally poison the river.  
  
*Leo walks out of the tent*  
  
Kefka: YES POISONING THE RIVER IS WHAT IM GOING TO DO!!!!!!!!!  
  
Leo: I'm leaving, cya!  
  
Kefka: SOOOO GULLIBLE!!!!!!  
  
Leo: *leaves*  
  
Kefka: *walks to a soldier* Is the poison ready?  
  
Soldier: Oui, oui! C'est sur la table.  
  
Kefka: Shut up prick *Fire 3*  
  
Soldier: *dies*  
  
*Kefka takes the poison off him*  
  
Sabin: That's inhuman.  
  
Kefka: Yes, I don't think I'm a human anyway.  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Sabin: *Pummel - Kefka*  
  
Kefka: *113 damage*  
  
Kefka: Yeouch!!  
  
Sabin: *looks around then gets a grin on his face* Kefka! Wait!  
  
Kefka: Okay.  
  
*Eggman and Rouge appear*  
  
Rouge: So what if I was wrong.  
  
Eggman: We blew up an island for nothing!  
  
Rouge: Well I'm sure the emeralds are here.  
  
Kefka: Can I go now?  
  
Sabin: No!  
  
*Eggman (in his walker) targets all of the soldiers and Kefka*  
  
Kefka: *Lots of damage* Urgh...must...poison...water...  
  
Sabin: No! *Pummel*  
  
*Knocks Kefka out and the whole beaker into the water*  
  
Sabin: Noooooooo!!  
  
*At Cyan*  
  
Doma Sentry: Sir Cyan! Some doctor in some sort of walker is busting up the enemy base. And is that bat? Boy she looks hot!  
  
Cyan: Huh? The water has been turned to Ribena!  
  
*They look around the castle and see lots of Sentries dropping dead*  
  
Cyan: What is a Sentry anyway?  
  
Doma Sentry: Dunno...wait aren't you supposed to be pissed everyone's dead?  
  
Cyan: This isn't Ribena...this is... FRUIT SHOOT!!!  
  
Doma Sentry: Dear god no! Shit! Check out the king!  
  
Cyan: Why can't I walk fast? I need the sprint shoes!  
  
Cyan: Hey why didn't the poison affect me, since I fought the most the chances are I've drunk some water! *realises he's wearing a Star Pendant* What the hell? I never had this!  
  
*After he's walked down the starts the Doma Sentry appears*  
  
Doma Sentry: I'm just an excuse for you to walk faster.  
  
Cyan: Good *walks to the King like he's wearing the sprint shoes*  
  
Cyan: Your highness!  
  
King: *foams from the mouth* uhh...Cyan....I must have to ask you one more thing for me......uhh...  
  
Cyan: What?? WHAT????  
  
King: Pull....my...  
  
Cyan: No, fuck you.  
  
King: Bastard!  
  
Doma Sentry: *walks in* I wish I had sprint shoes...  
  
Cyan: Someone has to be alive. There has to be! *starts crying*  
  
Doma Sentry: Shut up dick and help me!  
  
*Cyan goes off into his family's room*  
  
Cyan: Elayne! Elayne wake up!  
  
Elayne: Cyan...I beg of you...for all the people...on the planet...   
  
Cyan: Elayne!  
  
Elayne: I know you can do it Cyan...  
  
Cyan: ...  
  
Elayne: Sayonara...Cyan...the Swordsman *dies*  
  
Cyan: Noooooo!  
  
Cyan: Owain! Not you too! *pulls him out of bed* AND HE DIED WEARING PINK!!!!!!  
  
Cyan: You're making me angry Kefka! You don't want to see me, when I'm angry!!!!!!!  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
I just had to leave it there. It's taking me too long to write this chapter, so it's shorter than most of them. Please read and review! 


	7. Sabin's Scenario Part 2

Chapter 7: Sabin's Scenario Part 2  
  
Disclaimer: I bought many PC upgrades, but I should have bought these characters.  
  
Note: I am actually not using the PS1 version of FF6 anymore. So some things may be SNES version specific. However I will continue to spell certain items right, e.g. Phoenix Down.  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
Warrior: I am Cyan, retainer to King Doma. WTF??? My name has changed!  
  
Soldier1: Don't worry, it's probably not permanent.  
  
Soldier2: Um...aren't we supposed to attack him?  
  
Warrior: I am so pissed I'll just attack you!  
  
Soldier2: Yikes!  
  
*Sabin walks up*  
  
Sabin: I really should stay out of this...but here goes!  
  
Sabin: I could attack from the back and have a great advantage, or be an idiot. Hmm... *walks in front of Cyan*  
  
Cyan: What the fuck? *attacks Sabin by accident*  
  
Sabin: I didn't mean to stand there. *walks in front of him again*  
  
Cyan: Dumbass. *does it again*  
  
Sabin: Okay, okay. What do I do?  
  
Cyan: Talk to me from the side or behind.  
  
Sabin: Okay. *talks to him* Hey I'll help you!  
  
Cyan: Cool!  
  
*Enter battle - Preemptive Attack*  
  
Sabin: ??? There were only 2 outside battle!  
  
Soldiers: Hahaha! This is an RPG, what do you expect?  
  
Sabin: Hey! I can't control you!  
  
Cyan: I'm kinda pissed so it's like I'm on berserk!  
  
Sabin: Whatever  
  
Cyan: *Attack - Soldier2*  
  
Soldier2: *162 damage - dies*  
  
Sabin: *Pummel - Soldier4*  
  
Soldier4: *254 damage - dies*  
  
Soldier1: *Attack - Sabin*  
  
Sabin: *28 damage - 231 remaining*  
  
Sabin: *Black Belt relic - counter - Soldier1*  
  
Soldier1: *149 damage - dies*  
  
Soldier3: *Attack - Sabin*  
  
Sabin: *32 damage - 199 remaining*  
  
Sabin: *Black Belt relic - counter - Soldier3*  
  
Soldier3: *145 damage - dies*  
  
*End battle*  
  
Cyan: Crap there's more *they start fighting*  
  
Rouge: I found 'em!  
  
Eggman: Quickly, let's escape.  
  
*The 2 of them escape, killing the soldiers Cyan was fighting*  
  
Cyan: Well they were a help!  
  
Cyan: Thanks for the help!  
  
Sabin: Allow me to thank you!  
  
Cyan: For what?  
  
Sabin: Don't ask me.  
  
Cyan: Okay, let's just go.  
  
Sabin: Do you want to say goodbye to your home?  
  
Cyan: Nah, hated it!  
  
Soldiers: WAIT FOR US!!! WE NEED SEX!!!  
  
Sabin: Holy shit! Wait, I know what to do! Walk inside me!  
  
Cyan: Wah???  
  
Sabin: Just do it.  
  
*Cyan walks inside him and he runs to some Magitek armour*  
  
Cyan: Woah! Kick ass!  
  
Sabin: Yeah I know, now get your ass in there!  
  
Cyan: CRAP!!! I CAN'T STOP!!! *runs over a lot of the soldiers*  
  
Magitek Soldier: End of the line!  
  
*Cyan rams into him, the soldiers armour smashes*  
  
Soldier: YOU PRICK!!!  
  
*Sabin flattens him*  
  
Magitek Soldier: Who said anything about runn... *they run him over*  
  
Sabin: Let's get out of the armour for no obvious reason.  
  
Cyan: Whatever.  
  
*They make their way to the Phantom Forest*  
  
Sabin: Woo! This is a different style of 3D!  
  
Cyan: Does it look like I give a shit?  
  
Sabin: ...no.  
  
*They continue*  
  
Sabin: WTF I can't stop!  
  
Voice: Recovery spring  
  
Cyan: It's because it is not obvious that it is a recovery spring it shows you by forcing you to use it.  
  
Sabin: Right!  
  
Sabin: Hmm...there's an arrow sign in a forest called "Phantom Forest". Hmm...let's follow it!  
  
*They follow the arrow signs to a train station*  
  
Cyan: Let's hop on!  
  
*They enter a door*  
  
Sabin: *looks around*  
  
Cyan: Well, there's no survivors, let's go!  
  
Sabin: Don't you care about the people of Doma?  
  
Cyan: I told you, no!  
  
*Honking noise sounds*  
  
Cyan: Sad Sabin!  
  
Sabin: It wasn't me!  
  
*Rattling sounds*  
  
Sabin: It's moving!  
  
Cyan: Let's get off!  
  
Sabin: What do you know, a train this old has a safety on the door!  
  
Cyan: This is the Phantom Train. It takes us to hell.  
  
Sabin: You shit! Why didn't you tell me this earlier?  
  
Cyan: MWAHAHAHA!!!!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!!!!!!  
  
Sabin: WTF?  
  
Cyan: *sweatdrop* Um...never mind.  
  
*They walk into the cabin to the right*  
  
Cyan: EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!! A GHOST!!!!!  
  
Sabin: Yo!  
  
Ghost: Yo! I'm shit at fighting but I can sacrifice myself to kick ass! Can I come with you!  
  
Sabin: Sure!  
  
*They enter the door*  
  
Impresario: I manage this train. What the fuck do you want?  
  
Voice:  
  
(Tell us about the train.)  
  
(How do we stop it?)  
  
(Got any condoms?)  
  
Sabin: Three!  
  
Impresario: Yeah! They're at the front of the train!  
  
Sabin: *Presses the switch in the room*  
  
Cyan: Don't do that *switches it back*  
  
Voice: ERROR WITH WINDOWS XP!!! NOT ENOUGH VIRTUAL MEMORY AVALIBLE!!! INCREASING PAGING FILE!!!  
  
*The train goes faster*  
  
Cyan: Oops *presses it again*  
  
Sabin: No! You dick not again!  
  
Voice: YOU NEED A PROCESSER UPGRADE DICK!!! ...POSESSING OWNER TO PURCHASE PENTIUM 4...UPGRADE COMPLETE!!!  
  
*The train goes even faster*  
  
Sabin: Let's just go!  
  
*They leave and find another ghost*  
  
Ghost2: Yo! I'm joining you!  
  
Sabin: Hmm...I've got an idea *leaves then returns*  
  
Ghost3: Sorry I can't join you!  
  
Sabin: Why?  
  
Ghost3: Rules. Party of 4 maximum.  
  
Sabin: k...  
  
*They walk through the carts using many ghosts and having more join*  
  
Cyan: Crap! We're out of ghosts!  
  
Sabin: Doesn't matter. They hog all the EXP anyway!  
  
Sabin: WTF? This cart is a dead end! *talks to ghost at the entrance*  
  
Ghost: No E.S.C.A.P.E  
  
*Ente...  
  
Sabin: What does that spell?  
  
...r battle*  
  
Sabin: *Pummel - Ghost*  
  
Ghost: *273 damage - dies...I think*  
  
*End battle*  
  
*They leave the carriage*  
  
Ghost: No E.S.C.A.P.E  
  
Sabin: Screw this! *Climbs ladder*  
  
Cyan: Looks like it's over.  
  
Sabin: No, walk back inside me!  
  
Cyan: Why?  
  
Sabin: Just do it!  
  
*Sabin walks back a bit and has an...er...walking jump across to the next carriage, then the next one, which gives way*  
  
Sabin: Well I had a good run!  
  
*They walk into the cart, and Sabin presses a switch labelled "Format C: y\n*  
  
Voice: FORMATTING C: ................100%  
  
Sabin: *goes outside* Hey we detached the train!  
  
Ghost: You P.R.I.C.K.S!  
  
Sabin: *goes inside* Hmm..switch is now labelled "Boot Linux from CD"! *presses it*  
  
Voice: Welcome to Linux! Please stand clear of the doors as they open! *A passage opens*  
  
Cyan: You have a lot of experience with computers Sabin!  
  
Sabin: It is my duty to remove Windows off every machine!  
  
*The train goes as fast as hell*  
  
Cyan: Smart...real smart...  
  
*They let another ghost join them and walk to a carriage with tables and chairs*  
  
Sabin: *sits at the table* I'm going to ignore the fact that you are all ghosts and will probably serve me poison, GIVE ME FOOD!!!  
  
Ghost: *walks to table and puts food down*  
  
Cyan: *walks out of Sabin* Hey I need some too!  
  
Sabin: Just go back inside me and you'll get the energy!  
  
Cyan: Ok. *walks inside him*  
  
Sabin: *eats*  
  
Voice: Yo! You're healed, need I say more?  
  
*They go inside the next carriage, then in a door and try to take the chest*  
  
Zeigfried: I am Zeigfried, the world's greatest swordsman! That treasure chest is mine.  
  
Sabin: First of all Cyan is the greatest swordsman.  
  
Cyan: Secondly thieves are entitled to chests, not swordsmen.  
  
*A yellow ball drops through the roof*  
  
Sabin: This ball...it looks like...material! Sense material! *Sense*  
  
Sabin: Cyan, you get the chest, I'll fight this guy one on one! He's only got 100HP!  
  
Cyan: Now that is common SENSE! *lol*  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Siegfried: What the fuck? It's an S in battle! I'm ZZZZZeigfried! *Attack - Sabin*  
  
Sabin: *9 damage - 277 remaining*  
  
Sabin: Dumbass! *Black Belt - Counter*  
  
Siegfried: *166 damage - dies*  
  
Sabin: What a bag of wind!  
  
Sigfried: Imposs...WHY DOES MY NAME KEEP CHANGING????  
  
Voice: Empty!  
  
Cyan: What?  
  
Sigfried: It's because you were never supposed to get that chest! *runs off*  
  
*They make their way to the front of the train*  
  
Ghost: Obviously I'd either be too much use or no use for the boss, so I'm going to leave. Cya!  
  
Sabin: Cya!  
  
Cyan: We'd better heal...  
  
Sabin: Yeah. *uses a potion on each of them*  
  
*They walk to the engineers cart*  
  
Sabin: Hey something's written here, "To stop the train, shut the first and third pressure valves, and operate the switch outside, near the smoke stack". I didn't understand any of it. Did you?  
  
Cyan: Nope.  
  
Sabin: Screw this *logs onto gamefaqs.com*  
  
Sabin: Ah! Press switches 1 and 3! *presses them*  
  
Sabin: *leaves* Now we use the action button on the smoke stack! *reads it* "Press this switch and the train will stop" *presses it*  
  
Phantom Train: So! You uninstalled Windows and gave me Linux! Thanks! But I know you want to kick my ass!  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Sabin: *Sense* GhostTrain - 1900HP 350 MP  
  
GhostTrain: Just what we need. Another name change! *Attack - Cyan*  
  
Cyan: *23 damage - 261 remaining*  
  
Sabin: *Suplex - GhostTrain*  
  
GhostTrain: *407 damage - 1493 remaining*  
  
Cyan: *Slash - GhostTrain*  
  
GhostTrain: *746 damage - 747 remaining*  
  
GhostTrain: *Acid Rain*  
  
Sabin: *121 damage - 168 remaining - Seizure*  
  
Cyan: *124 damage - 137 remaining - Seizure*  
  
Sabin: *Suplex - GhostTrain*  
  
GhostTrain: *386 damage - 361 remaining*  
  
GhostTrain: *Wheel - Sabin*  
  
Sabin: *37 damage - 131 remaining*  
  
Sabin: *Seizure - 6 damage - 125 remaining*  
  
Cyan: *Seizure - 5 damage - 132 remaining*  
  
GhostTrain: *Attack - Sabin*  
  
Sabin: *19 damage - 106 remaining*  
  
Sabin: *Seizure - 6 damage - 100 remaining*  
  
Sabin: *Black Belt - Counter - GhostTrain*  
  
GhostTrain: *92 damage - 269 remaining*  
  
GhostTrain: *Attack - Cyan*  
  
Cyan: *23 damage - 109 remaining*  
  
Cyan: *Seizure - 5 damage - 104 remaining*  
  
Cyan: End of the line *Dispatch - GhostTrain*  
  
GhostTrain: *268 damage - 1 remaining*  
  
Cyan: I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!!  
  
GhostTrain: HAHAHA!!! I CANNOT DIE!!! *Wheel - Cyan*  
  
Cyan: *45 damage - 59 remaining*  
  
Sabin: *Seizure - 6 damage - 94 remaining*  
  
Cyan: *Seizure - 5 damage - 54 remaining*  
  
Sabin: Finally! *Attack - GhostTrain*  
  
GhostTrain: Aw crap *dies*  
  
*End battle*  
  
Phantom Train: Just leave you pricks!  
  
*The train stops and they get off it*  
  
Cyan: What the...  
  
*Cyan sees dead people (who look perfectly alive) go on the train, including his wife and kid*  
  
Cyan: No!! Elayne! Owain!!!  
  
*The train honks as it's about to depart*  
  
Cyan: *running towards train* Elayne!!! I need that condom!!!  
  
Elayne: Here *throws condom*  
  
Cyan: Owain!!! I gave you 5000GP the day before you died!  
  
Owain: Tough shit old man. This is mine!  
  
*The train leaves, and Cyan looks down at the edge of the platform*  
  
Sabin: *talks to Cyan*  
  
Cyan: ......  
  
Sabin: Hmm...maybe I have to do it another 2 times. *talks to Cyan*  
  
Cyan: ......  
  
Sabin: *talks to Cyan*  
  
Cyan: ......  
  
Sabin: Weird. *starts to walk around*  
  
Sabin: I can't leave. What am I supposed to do?  
  
*The screen fades and Sabin appears on the world map*  
  
Sabin: Ah!!! Must be a time trigger event!  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
I thought I could do this in 2 chapters, but I was wrong. Part 3 will be up soon. Please read (which I assume you have already done) and review. 


	8. Sabin's Scenario Part 3

Chapter 8: Sabin's Scenario Part 3  
  
Disclaimer: Chaos could use a little snack, and by the way I don't own these characters.  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
Mog: *Narrating* Remember when I said that Sabin wouldn't learn when and when not to take a bath? Here's proof!  
  
*The party make their way up to Baren Falls*  
  
Sabin: *looks at title that appears on the screen* I think this is Baren Falls...  
  
Cyan: Well duh! Now let's go.  
  
Sabin: Aren't you supposed to tell me if there's anything dangerous.  
  
Cyan: Oh yeah, the Veldt is south. "Dangerous creatures there".  
  
Sabin: Um *scared of the creatures* on second thoughts let's level up a bit first.  
  
Voice: Jump?  
  
(Why not?)  
  
(Yeah)  
  
(Okay)  
  
(Damn right!)  
  
Sabin: Uhoh...*picks "Why not?"*  
  
Voice: No reason!  
  
*Sabin somehow gets flung over the edge*  
  
Sabin: WOAH!!!  
  
*Enter Battle*  
  
*There are 2 Piranhas*  
  
Sabin: Battle? BATTLE?????  
  
Cyan: Shut up prick!  
  
Piranha1: *Attack - Sabin*  
  
Sabin: *18 damage - 271 remaining  
  
Sabin: *Black Belt - counter*  
  
Piranah1: *137 damage - dies*  
  
Sabin: *AuraBolt - Pirhana2*  
  
Piranha2: *372 damage - dies*  
  
*3 more Piranhas appear*  
  
Sabin: What the fuck?  
  
Cyan: Shit! *Dispatch - Piranha2*  
  
Piranha2: *297 damage - dies*  
  
Piranha3: *Attack - Cyan*  
  
Cyan: *41 damage - 278 remaining*  
  
Sabin: *AuraBolt - Piranha1*  
  
Piranha1: *363 damage - dies*  
  
Cyan: *Dispatch - Piranha3*  
  
Piranha3: *289 damage - dies*  
  
*Another 2 Piranhas appear*  
  
Sabin: *Incorrect Blitz input*  
  
Cyan: Sabin!  
  
Sabin: Sorry I was distracted...  
  
Piranha2: *Attack - Cyan*  
  
Cyan: *21 damage - 257 remaining*  
  
Cyan: *Dispatch - Piranha1*  
  
Piranha1: *307 damage - dies*  
  
Piranha2: *Attack - Sabin*  
  
Sabin: *18 damage - 253 remaining  
  
Sabin: *Black Belt - Counter*  
  
Piranha2: *136 damage - dies*  
  
*3 more appear*  
  
Sabin: *AuraBolt - Piranha3*  
  
Piranha3: *404 damage - dies*  
  
Cyan: *Dispatch - Piranha2*  
  
Piranha2: *309 damage - dies*  
  
Piranha1: *Attack - Cyan*  
  
Cyan: *21 damage - 236 remaining*  
  
Sabin: *Attack - Piranha1*  
  
Piranha1: *136 damage - dies*  
  
*A Rizopas appears*  
  
Rizopas: MWHAHAHA!!! I MAY LOOK LIKE A PIRANHA BUT I KICK ASS!!!   
  
Sabin: He looks tough. *Sense* Rizopas 775 HP 39 MP  
  
Cyan: Easy! *Retort*  
  
Rizopas: *Bite - Sabin*  
  
Sabin: *62 damage - 191 remaining*  
  
Sabin: *Black Belt - Counter*  
  
Rizopas: *257 damage - 518 remaining*  
  
Rizopas: *Ice - Cyan*  
  
Cyan: *87 damage - 149 remaining*  
  
Sabin: *AuraBolt - Rizopas*  
  
Rizopas: *284 damage - 234 remaining*  
  
Cyan: *Dispatch - Rizopas*  
  
Rizopas: *312 damage - dies*  
  
Voice: Got Remedy x 1. Got Tonic x 1.  
  
Sabin & Cyan: YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!!! NO EXP!!!!!!!!  
  
*Sabin floats down the river and a little boy notices him*  
  
Voice: Dis guy is like a Tarzan rip-off. TARZAN KICKS ASS!!!! Erm...doesn't he?  
  
Boy: *names Gau*  
  
Sabin: Yo!  
  
Gau: Gau, Gau!!!  
  
Sabin: Erm. You're supposed to be scared!  
  
Gau: ... *runs off*  
  
*Sabin enters the world map*  
  
Sabin: Woah! This music kicks ass!  
  
Cyan: I bet it becomes annoying after a while...  
  
*They enter Mobliz, rest at the inn, get the latest weapons, armour, porno etc.*  
  
Sabin: Now let's talk to people!  
  
Man: I threw some "Dried Meat" into a herd of hungry animals, and some kid emerged and grabbed it!  
  
Cyan: Cool, let's try it!  
  
*They buy 10 dried meats, then they leave Mobliz and get a few random battles and find a kid*  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Sabin: I...HATE THIS MUSIC!!!!!!!!!  
  
Cyan: I know...I know...  
  
Gau: Uwaoo~!!  
  
Sabin: Woah! He can speak in tildes!  
  
Gau: Ooh...I'm hungry!  
  
Cyan: *Dried meat - Gau*  
  
Gau: Mmm...  
  
Sabin: POKEBALL GO!!! *chucks pokeball*  
  
*The pokeball catches Gau...only for him to break free before he was caught*  
  
Sabin: "Darn. So close too"  
  
Cyan: Oh shut up!  
  
*Gau bounces around everywhere*  
  
Sabin: WTF??  
  
Cyan: Thou art so...odd. I am Cyan and this is my slave, Sabin.  
  
Gau: You Sabin... you Cyan. I Gau! You hot Cyan!  
  
Cyan: WWWHAT??????  
  
Sabin: Urk! Gau, there's something we have to tell you!  
  
*They have a long conversation about...SEX!!!*  
  
Sabin: So if you join us, I think I could get you hooked up with Terra.  
  
Gau: What if Terra not hot?  
  
Sabin: Don't worry. I KNOW she is!  
  
Cyan: You have good skills in *ahem* battle Gau. I'm sure Terra will get fixed with you, even though I don't know her.  
  
Gau: Thanks. I give you present! Gau give Cyan and Sabin nice gift in thanks for food!  
  
Sabin: What piece of crap are you talking about?  
  
Gau: Hey! Gau may be not smart but Gau know shiny treasure good!  
  
Sabin: Hmm. *has a quick fantasy about Locke getting jealous and Terra saying she prefers Sabin* Okay Gau.  
  
Gau: Shiny thing, Crescent Mountain!  
  
Cyan: Well there is only one cave where we can go.  
  
Sabin: Okay. MOVE OUT!!!  
  
*End battle*  
  
Kappa: Here's how to build up Gau's skills.  
  
Sabin: Shut up! *Suplex*  
  
Kappa: *takes damage* Ah...okay I'll leave...  
  
*They go to Crescent Mountain*  
  
Gau: *Starts examining the ground*  
  
*Question marks appear above Sabin and Cyan's heads*  
  
Sabin: Wha??? Why are there question marks above our heads?  
  
Cyan: Maybe because we're wondering about them they appeared.  
  
Sabin: Isn't that an infinite loop hole then?  
  
Cyan: ...yes.  
  
Sabin: God, we need some girls in our scenario!  
  
Cyan: Yeah! The conversation is crap without any...  
  
Cyan: Yo! Gau, the shiny thing?  
  
Gau: Gau...forget!!  
  
Sabin: YOU BASTARD!!!  
  
Cyan: Sabin! It must still be around here.  
  
Sabin: Shall we look around?  
  
Cyan: Indeed!  
  
Sabin: Shouldn't 'indeed' only be used after statements, not questions.  
  
Cyan: Sabin. Let's order some hookers at the next town.  
  
Sabin: Cool!  
  
*They look around the cave*  
  
Sabin: ...condom...  
  
Cyan: Is this the treasure?  
  
*Gau shakes his head and they keep looking*  
  
Sabin: Hey Gau, what's up?  
  
Gau: Ka...me...ha...me...HA!!!  
  
Sabin: *falling* AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!  
  
Cyan: HAHAHA!!! Nice one Gau!  
  
Gau: Gau not so dumb!  
  
Sabin: *comes bouncing up*  
  
Gau: Huh? Gau's plan full proof.  
  
Sabin: There's a spring down there. Don't know why...  
  
*Sonic comes bouncing up it, and the Egg golem emerges from the big hole in the middle*  
  
Eggman: This time I'll take your lives AND the chaos emeralds!  
  
Sonic: I don't think so, I just got about 10 of them in Pyramid Cave.  
  
*It doesn't matter (Sonic's theme) plays*  
  
Sonic *jumps to hit the top of the Egg golem* Teriaaaaa!  
  
Sonic: Who keeps the restraining mechanism on the head? Clearly visible!  
  
Eggman: I'm the enemy; I have to make mistakes.  
  
Cyan: Let's keep going...  
  
*Eventually they find the treasure. It looks like a scuba diver's helmet*  
  
Sabin: Well it doesn't have an oxygen supply, and you guys will only fit in if you walk inside me. But nothing ever makes sense here or obeys the laws of physics, so let's go!  
  
Cyan: Can't wait 'till the next town...  
  
*They walk outside*  
  
Gau: *Cowers at the water*  
  
Sabin: We have to ride the currents if we want to see our friends again...that includes Terra...  
  
Gau: TERRA???? *jumps in*  
  
Cyan: Hey wait for us!  
  
*They both jump in*  
  
*They swim for a bit*  
  
*Enter Battle*  
  
Gau: *Rage - M-TekArmor*  
  
Gau: *Attack - Actaneon1*  
  
Actaneon1: *154 damage - 76 remaining*  
  
Cyan: *Dispatch - Actaneon2*  
  
Actaneon2: *311 damage - dies*  
  
Sabin: *Suplex - Actaneon3*  
  
Actaneon3: *189 damage - 41 remaining*  
  
Actaneon1: *Attack - Sabin*  
  
Sabin: *62 damage - 227 remaining*  
  
Actaneon3: *Attack - Gau*  
  
Gau: *Shield - Miss*  
  
Gau: *Tek-Laser - Actaneon1*  
  
Actaneon1: *254 damage - dies*  
  
Cyan: *Dispatch - Actaneon3*  
  
Actaneon3: *290 damage - dies*  
  
*End battle*  
  
*Arrows appear on the screen*  
  
Sabin: Erm...right!  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Gau: *Rage - Lobo*  
  
Gau: *Tusk - Anguiform*  
  
Anguiform: *263 damage - 52 remaining*  
  
Cyan: *Dispatch - Actaneon*  
  
Actaneon: *282 damage - dies*  
  
Sabin: *Suplex - Anguiform*  
  
Anguiform: *204 damage - dies*  
  
Gau: *Attack - Aspik*  
  
Aspik: *148 damage - 72 remaining*  
  
Aspik: *Giga Volt - Gau*  
  
Gau: *385 damage - KOd*  
  
Cyan: Bastard *Attack - Aspik*  
  
Aspik: *156 damage - Final Counter - Cyan*  
  
Cyan: *17 damage - 302 remaining*  
  
Aspik: *Dies*  
  
*End battle*  
  
*They reach a cave*  
  
Sabin: Sorry about that Gau. *uses a Phoenix Down and a potion on him*  
  
Gau: Gau's okay!  
  
Cyan: Now HERE is a normal place to have a chest!  
  
*Received X-Potion*  
  
*They leave the cave and arrows appear again*  
  
Sabin: Uh, left!  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Gau: *Rage - Stray Cat*  
  
Gau: *Attack - Aspik*  
  
Aspik: *317 damage - Final Counter - Giga Volt - Gau*  
  
Gau: Gau get shocked again! *339 damage - KOd*  
  
Aspik: Fuck you! *dies*  
  
Anguiform: *Attack - Sabin*  
  
Sabin: *Shield - Miss*  
  
Cyan: *Dispatch - Anguiform*  
  
Anguiform: *295 damage - 20 remaining*  
  
Sabin: *Suplex - Anguiform*  
  
Anguiform: *223 damage - dies*  
  
Actaneon: *Attack - Sabin*  
  
Sabin: *32 damage - 195 remaining - Black Belt - Counter*  
  
Actaneon: *162 damage - 68 remaining*  
  
Cyan: *Dispatch - Actaneon*  
  
Actaneon: *300 damage - dies*  
  
*End battle*  
  
*Enter Battle*  
  
Sabin: This is getting old... *Suplex - Anguiform2  
  
Anguiform2: *209 damage - 106 remaining*  
  
Cyan: *Dispatch - Anguiform2*  
  
Anguiform2: *317 damage - dies*  
  
Anguiform1: *Attack - Cyan*  
  
Cyan: *33 damage - 269 remaining*  
  
Sabin: *Suplex - Anguiform1*  
  
Anguiform1: *405 damage - dies*  
  
*End battle*  
  
*The view changes to the ocean, and they're heading for Nikeah*  
  
Cyan: *washed up on the bay* What is this place? Swedish?  
  
Sabin: Hey Cyan! You promised hookers!  
  
Cyan: Hey, let's take them with us on the ferry. We'll need some *ahem* enjoyment on the ride.  
  
Gau: Can Gau get hooker.  
  
Sabin: You shouldn't. Save all your "juice" up for Terra  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
Finally! Locke's scenario up next! Please review. 


	9. Locke's Scenario

Chapter 9: Locke's Scenario  
  
Disclaimer: I am the world's ultimate lifeform...but I don't own these characters.  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
Mog: Choose a scenario...kupo!  
  
Mog: *chooses Locke* Locke is trying to kick ass in South Figaro. Erm...I don't suppose he knows how hard it is to kick magitek armour's ass?  
  
Fangirls: LOCKE!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!  
  
*Locke escapes the fan girls*  
  
Locke: Woah! I need some condoms, fast!  
  
Voice: Your supposed to be kicking ass, not fucking ass.  
  
Locke: Ah crap.  
  
*Locke walks into a shop*  
  
Locke Yo!  
  
Merchant: Yo!  
  
Locke: Now we fight!  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Locke: *Steal - Merchant*  
  
Merchant: *Stole condom x 10*  
  
*Stole his clothing too*  
  
Locke: Thanks!  
  
Merchant: Anytime.  
  
*End battle*  
  
*Locke goes outside and into someone's house*  
  
Locke: *Talks to man*  
  
Man: Cidercidercidercidercidercider...  
  
Locke: Hmm....plot development!  
  
Locke: *Goes downstairs and talks to the boy*  
  
Boy: Yo! I'm dumb enough to only let merchants through here, but also only check the clothes!  
  
Locke: Cool! *goes through*  
  
*Locke goes to the relic shop*  
  
Locke: YES!!! SPRINT SHOES!!! *runs through the inn to the basement*  
  
Locke: Just because I'm not a thief doesn't stop me from stealing your cider.  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Merchant: *Attack - Locke*  
  
Locke: *5 damage - 139 remaining*  
  
Locke: *Steal - Merchant*  
  
Merchant: Ah fuck *runs off*  
  
*End battle*  
  
Locke: *gets cider* "That was easy!"  
  
Tails: Bastard!  
  
Locke: Ah screw you!  
  
Tails: *Runs away crying*  
  
*Locke makes it back to the cider-freak*  
  
Locke: I give you cider for info!  
  
Man: I'm just going to tell you where a secret passage that I'm not supposed to tell you about is.  
  
Locke: Sweet!  
  
Man: The password is...um I forget!  
  
Locke: Fuck!  
  
*walks down to the boy*  
  
Boy: The password is  
  
(Pussy)  
  
(Cider)  
  
(Comdom)  
  
Locke: Multiple choice...hmm..cider!  
  
Boy: CONGRATULATIONS!!!! YOU WIN erm.....THE SECRET PASSAGE!!!  
  
Locke: Woo!  
  
*Locke takes the secret passage*  
  
Locke: Woah! How did I just appear over here? *walks into the house*  
  
Locke: Hmm... *starts feeling the walls all over the house* Ahah! Found it! *walks down the stairs*  
  
Voice:  
  
(Change clothes?)  
  
(These are fine.)  
  
Locke: Change!  
  
*He changes into an incredibly sexy suit*  
  
Locke: Man I'm so sexy *walks up to door*  
  
Locke: WOAH!!!!!!!!!  
  
*Inside*  
  
Guard: *Fucking the girl from behind* Oh yeah THAT IS SO FUCKING GOOD!!!!  
  
Voice: Product of genetic engineering - so no you don't get normal girls this good.  
  
Girl: *names herself Celes*  
  
Guard: So the might Celes has been fucked!  
  
Other Guard: *coming to his senses* Dude, you just fucked something made in a factory!  
  
Guard: ARGH!!! *runs off*  
  
Other Guard: I'm going to sleep.  
  
Locke: Weird *walks in*  
  
Voice:  
  
(Remove her chains?)  
  
(Wait a few minutes.)  
  
Locke: Hmm...plot advancement or free sex.........*Removes her chains*  
  
Celes: Who are you sexy thing?  
  
Locke: I'm Edgar, king of Figaro, master of the chainsaws.  
  
Locke & Celes: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Locke: I'm Locke, and I kick ass.  
  
Celes: I'm sure you do, let's get going.  
  
*They make their way through the house to find a broken clock*  
  
Celes: Let's see some of your manhood, hehe.  
  
Locke: *blushes* Um...sure *winds clock with his dick*  
  
*A cabinet moves to reveal a door*  
  
Locke: Woah! That's amazing technology.  
  
Celes: Nah, it's just an action-trigger event.  
  
*They continue*  
  
Celes: By the way, why are you helping me?  
  
Locke: "You don't need a reason to help people"  
  
Zidane: CAN YOU SAY AN ORIGINAL LINE????  
  
*They leave the town and head for a cave*  
  
Locke: What's that faint beeping sound?  
  
Celes: Dunno.  
  
*They make it through the cave*  
  
*Loud rumbling noise*  
  
Celes: Sick!  
  
Locke: WTF??  
  
Celes: Oh, it's okay it's not you just some monster coming out of the wall.  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Celes: I'm going to tell you how to use runic even though I'm the one who uses it.  
  
Locke: Okay.  
  
TunnelArmr: Tough shit! *gets ready to attack*  
  
Celes: *Runic*  
  
TunnelArmr: Ah fuck! *Bolt*  
  
Celes: *Runic - 6MP restored*  
  
Locke: Cool *attack - TunnelArmr*  
  
TunnelArmr: *109 damage - 1191 remaining - Counter - Locke*  
  
Locke: *48 damage - 201 remaining*  
  
Celes: *Runic*  
  
TunnelArmr: *Poison*  
  
Celes: *Runic - 3MP restored*  
  
Locke: *Attack - TunnelArmr*  
  
TunnelArmr: *110 damage - 1081 remaining - Counter - Locke*  
  
Locke: *50 damage - 151 remaining*  
  
Celes: *Runic*  
  
TunnelArmr: *Fire*  
  
Celes: *Runic - 4MP restored*  
  
Locke: *Attack - TunnelArmr*  
  
TunnelArmr: *121 damage - 960 remaining - Counter - Locke*  
  
Locke: *46 damage - 105 remaining*  
  
Celes: *Runic*  
  
TunnelArmr: *Fire*  
  
Celes: *Runic - 4MP restored*  
  
Locke: *Attack - TunnelArmr*  
  
TunnelArmr: *115 damage - 845 remaining - Counter - Locke*  
  
Locke: *97 damage - 8 remaining*  
  
Celes: *Runic*  
  
Locke: Wha? Heal me bitch!  
  
Celes: No!  
  
TunnelArmr: *Tek Laser*  
  
Celes: *Runic - 20MP restored*  
  
Locke: *Mirager - TunnelArmr*  
  
TunnelArmr: WHA???? *1812 damage - dies*  
  
Locke: It must have been a critical attack!  
  
Celes: *drooling at Locke* Cool!  
  
*End battle*  
  
TunnelArmr: So what? My next service is in 3 days! I can wait!  
  
*The beeping grows louder, and beeps faster*  
  
Knuckles: It's gotta be close! *Maximum heat Knuckles attack*  
  
TunnelArmr: BASTARD!!! *gets smashed to pieces*  
  
Knuckles: I found 'em! *Does finishing pose and gets a rank A* Yeah! I feel good!  
  
Locke: k...  
  
Celes: Well let's head to the next inn...  
  
Locke: Oh yeah! I got 10 condoms!!!  
  
Celes: *slaps Locke* I meant because your on 8 HP!  
  
Locke: *KOd*  
  
Celes: Shit! I was just kidding, DON'T DIE!!!! *gives him a kiss of life*  
  
Locke: *All HP recovered and all status changes removed including KO*  
  
Locke: Woah! I'm okay.  
  
Celes: Miracles happen, let's fuck.  
  
Locke: k...  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
Sorry about the short chapter and sorry about the lack of updates. I just went away from home again and forgot to say. School starts for me on September the 2nd so updates may cease. I will try to do a chapter at least every month though. Please review.  
  
By the way the beeping was Knuckles' emerald radar. 


	10. They meet again

Chapter 10: They meet again  
  
Disclaimer: Regardless that I'm on holiday, I still don't own these characters.  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
Mog: *fucking Terra* OH YES THAT'S SO FUCKING GOOD!!! Huh? Oh you're here.  
  
Terra: Hey guys!  
  
Mog: That's enough now, piss off now.  
  
Terra: *slaps Mog* Bastard *walks back to her position*  
  
Mog: Ahem! Chose a scenario bitches...like there's any fucking choice. *chooses Terra, Edgar and Banon*  
  
Mog: YOU PUSSIES!! These bitches are running away from the Empire's troops, remember? For Christ's sake Terra has magic, Edgar has tools and Banon can heal for free! You guys could kick their asses!!  
  
Edgar: *AutoCrossbow*  
  
Mog: Bitch *KOd*  
  
*Terra, Edgar and Banon are still on the raft going down the river*  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Terra: Fuck you! *raft continues under Pterodon*  
  
Pterodon: Slut!  
  
*End battle*  
  
*They continue down the rapids, and onto the world map*  
  
*Enter battle*  
  
Terra: *Attack - Leafer*  
  
Leafer: Hey, this isn't fair *83 damage - dies*  
  
Terra: Tough shit, it's Squares fault.  
  
*End battle*  
  
*They make it to Narshe*  
  
Terra: Oh, I remember! Follow me.  
  
Banon: We're inside you bitch.  
  
Edgar: That's a good thing dumbass!  
  
Banon: Oh yeah!  
  
Terra: *walks to the left* This is the secret passage me and Locke...  
  
Edgar: *under his breath* Lucky bastard...  
  
Terra: ...escaped from.  
  
Edgar: Ah.  
  
Terra: When Locke first helped me, he fiddled with something right around here.  
  
Banon: *quietly to Edgar* He was probably having an orgasm.  
  
Edgar: HAHAHA!!!!  
  
Terra: ???  
  
Edgar: *blushing* Nothing.  
  
Terra: k....*presses switch*  
  
*They walk inside, and make their way through the caves*  
  
Terra: Huh? What's that?  
  
Big: It's gotta be Froggy!  
  
Edgar: The fuck??  
  
Big: Erm...nothing! *runs*  
  
*A light goes in a certain path across the room*  
  
Edgar: No idea. Let's go.  
  
Terra: You go, we'll work it out.  
  
Edgar: *taking the quickest way possible* Well, looks like that light meant nothing *notices all the enemies around him* shit....  
  
All the enemies around Edgar: *Kick Edgar's ass*  
  
Edgar: *KOd*  
  
Terra: Figured it out, we just have to walk in the same path, if we don't 8 rotating bright thingies will surround us, and we have to hit one of them.  
  
Edgar: *coughs and wheezes* That's 9 you fool.  
  
Banon: There's a great opportunity for a witty remark, but I can't be arsed.  
  
*Terra and Banon make it, and then use a Phoenix Down on Edgar*  
  
Terra: No sex for a day for you.  
  
Edgar: NOOO!!!! PLEASE!! I'LL DO ANYTHING!!!  
  
Terra: Suck Banon's dick.  
  
Banon: Ooh! That'd be nice!  
  
Edgar: Okay!  
  
*breaks out into a gay scene between Banon and Edgar*  
  
Edgar: Phew! Now that's done, let's fuck!  
  
Banon: Again?  
  
Edgar: NO NOT YOU!! TERRA!!!  
  
Banon: Aww....  
  
*And of course, Edgar and Terra fuck*  
  
Terra: Finally! Can we go now?  
  
Banon: About fucking time!  
  
Edgar: What about fucking time?  
  
Terra: *holds up card with an 'F' on it* Poor.  
  
Banon: *holds up a card with a '1.3' on it* Utter shit.  
  
*They continue, and make it to a cave full of Moogles*  
  
Terra: Aww! *pats one on the head* They're so cute!  
  
Moogle: *rubs itself against Terra's leg*  
  
Edgar: Someone's getting attached.  
  
Terra: Get off me!  
  
Moogle: *stops it, and puts a sad look on his face*  
  
Terra: No not you! Edgar.  
  
Edgar: Bitch! *stops rubbing against Terra*  
  
Banon: *looking at Moogle against the wall* Hey! This one looks like Mog!  
  
Moogle: Kupo......po!  
  
Edgar: TALK PRICK!! *AutoCrossbow*  
  
Terra: *jumps on Edgar before he can finish*  
  
Edgar: Oooooooh...*has an orgasm*  
  
Mog: Fine, I admit it! I am Mog!!!  
  
Terra: Okay, now piss off.  
  
Mog: Bitch...  
  
Edgar: Don't make me get out the AutoCrossbow again.  
  
Mog: *cowers*  
  
Banon: Hey! I think there's a Rune Edge in this chest!  
  
Terra: DON'T OPEN IT!!!  
  
Banon: Why?  
  
Terra: For no reason it will magically become a Ribbon sometime.  
  
Banon: I'll probably be dead by then...but cool!  
  
*they make their way out of the caves, and back in to the paedophile's house*  
  
Arvis: Banon! King Edgar! TERRA!!!!! *has an orgasm*  
  
Terra: I'll take that as a compliment. *giggles*  
  
Edgar: You had a name?  
  
*Arvis moves closer to Banon*  
  
Arvis: Banon...  
  
Banon: Arvis...  
  
*they start making out*  
  
Edgar: Who's the paedophile.  
  
Terra: Dunno..........  
  
Edgar: ...........  
  
Terra: *jumps on Edgar*  
  
Edgar: *gets caught in Terra's breasts* Joy!  
  
*The scene starts to fade out*  
  
Edgar: WHAT??? AT A TIME LIKE THIS???  
  
Voice: Yes!  
  
Edgar: *starts crying*  
  
*The screen fully fades out, and appears at the same room*  
  
Edgar: You disturbed us for this???  
  
Voice: It would have happened anyway, it's the transition between scenarios.  
  
Edgar: THE MOOGLE MUST DIE!!  
  
Sabin: *walks in* Did someone say 'The Moogle must die'?  
  
Everyone but Sabin: WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!!  
  
Sabin: Anyway, introductions foo's!  
  
Edgar: Sabin, you are nothing like Barret\Mr T.  
  
Sabin: No need to rub it in *cries*  
  
Cyan: I am Cyan, retainer to the lord of Doma!  
  
Edgar: A king who can't keep his teeth alright? What is with Doma?  
  
Gau: GAU GAU GAU!!! *has an orgasm*  
  
Sabin: The empire kicked Doma's ass. You should have seen it, it was so cool!  
  
Cyan: Yeah it was!  
  
Edgar: ONOS I DINT SE THER AS KCKD!!!!!!!!111111111oneoneoneoneonewun  
  
Terra: You're turning into an AOLer! *slaps Edgar*  
  
Edgar: Ooh! Slap me again baby.  
  
Terra: No!  
  
Locke: *enters* How about me?  
  
Celes: Locke! I thought you loved me! *cries*  
  
Locke: Oh yeah! Let's fuck again!  
  
*they start to, guess what? Fuck!*  
  
Locke: Oh yeah *still fucking* the empire are going to attack Narshe.  
  
Sabin: Cool!  
  
Edgar: How the fuck is that cool?  
  
Sabin: Because obviously it means well have a...  
  
Edgar: Wait...I see what you mean, we'll fight in a...  
  
Terra: Hey wait sec guys, what we're going to do is...  
  
Locke: Hey I see where you're all going, we're going to...  
  
Gau: 3 PARTY BATTLE!!!  
  
Edgar: You ruined the suspense!  
  
Gau: Erm...GAU GAU!!!  
  
Banon: Locke, how did you find this out?  
  
Locke: My girlfriend told me.  
  
Celes: *giggles*  
  
Cyan: I KNEW IT!!! IMPERIAL SPY!!!  
  
*Cyan starts to charge up a beam*  
  
Locke: *move in front of her* YOU CAN'T HURT HER!!  
  
Cyan: KA...ME...HA...ME...  
  
Locke: Oh shit...  
  
Sabin: Cyan, there's a fly on you're nose.  
  
Cyan: *feeling his nose* Huh? *beam hits him* Bastards...  
  
Everyone but Cyan: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
*a soldier walks in*  
  
Soldier: Emergency!! The Empire cometh!  
  
Cyan: He speaketh my language!  
  
*Kefka, soldiers, and Magitek soldiers are walking in the desert*  
  
Soldier: So Kefka, I hear you're getting a Gamecube!  
  
Kefka: SHUT UP!!! If anyone finds out I left Sega because their console failed I'm doomed!  
  
Magitek Soldier: Huh? What's that?  
  
Omachao: Use the Vulcan cannon to destroy the wooden crates.  
  
Magitek Soldier: *uses Vulcan cannon and shoots Omachao*  
  
Omachao: Ow! You big bully, I'm telling.  
  
Magitek Soldier: *picks him up*  
  
*back to the paedo's pad*  
  
Banon: Erm...let's go!  
  
*They make their way to the mountains, where the Esper has been moved to*  
  
Edgar: Locke probably doesn't like you for who you are Celes.  
  
Celes: Erm, I kinda knew that. He just gives me the best sex ever!  
  
Edgar: Hmm... *picturing Celes fucking Locke* I think it's the other way round.  
  
*they continue*  
  
Celes: *stops* WE KICK ASS!!!  
  
Terra: YEAH!!! Have you ever loved anyone?  
  
Celes: The fuck?  
  
*they continue*  
  
Cyan: *stops* Don't think for a moment I trust you.  
  
Celes: There's a fly on your nose again.  
  
Cyan: SHIT!! *knocks himself out*  
  
Celes: Heh...hey guys, a little help here.  
  
Everyone: NO!!!  
  
Celes: Pricks...  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
Ah! The holidays! I was going to just make one chapter, but I think seeing how I have many shorter ones than this, this will do. I'm working on the next one right now.  
  
Anyway please review. 


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